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Desperate to retain officers, Air Force appoints Jerry Seinfeld head of personnel center

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RANDOLPH AIR FORCE BASE, Texas – In a desperate bid to retain officers, the Air Force has commissioned comedian Jerry Seinfeld as a major general who will lead the Air Force Personnel Center (AFPC), sources confirmed today.

Seinfeld, world-renowned for his standup comedy, television and movie success, was appointed during a moving ceremony held at The Improv, a comedy club in Los Angeles with absolutely no tie to Air Force history.

When asked why he was chosen over career officers, Seinfeld said, “Every time somebody promotes an officer, he’s always the best. ‘Oh, is he good?’ ‘Oh, he’s the best. This guy’s the best.’ But we can’t all be the best. There can’t be this many bests. Someone’s graduating at the bottom of Officer Training School. Where are those officers?”

Sources say that Seinfeld has gotten to work immediately. Soon after he greeted airmen around his office, he looked down at some of their shoes and said, “First, I wanna talk about these low quarters. What kind of shoe is that? Who calls shoes ‘low quarters?’ To me, a low quarter is when you see one lying in the street. It’s a quarter, it’s worth twenty-five cents. You want to pick it up, you’d be twenty-five cents richer. But you don’t know where that quarter’s been, so you stand there for a minute, undecided. And then you get hit by a car. You know what I’m talking about with these shoes.”

As aides furiously took notes, Seinfeld then turned to the Air Force’s acute pilot shortage. He put out a Notice to Airmen comparing leaving the service to a coat that you try to return to a store.

“My friend Maj. Kramer tried to return a rather colorful coat to the store,” he wrote. “But the police arrived and arrested him for pimping. Why would they assume he was a pimp? Just for his coat? Or was it his commission? And that’s just like flying. When you fly, the cops can’t catch you up there, they only catch you on the ground. So stay in, keep flying and keep out of jail!”

Since Seinfeld’s appointment, AFPC’s mission statement has changed to, “One Team, One Puffy Shirt… Making Airmen Laugh and Stay In.”

“I think it’s working,” said Seinfeld. “We’ve given over one hundred puffy shirts to people who stay in, so we don’t need those expensive pilot retention bonuses anymore. Score!”

Later, speaking at his first AFPC commander’s call, a senior enlisted leader asked Seinfeld how he was enjoying military life. Seinfeld walked over to a stage with a brick wall behind it and, as a spotlight switched on, stood in front of a microphone and spoke.

“I gotta tell you,” he said, “I’m really enjoying being a general. You can do whatever you want. For example, if I want a new promotion test, I can have a new promotion test. I can have three tests or four tests or eleven tests. It’s like eating cookies, you can have as many as you want when you’re a general. I joked with the senior NCOs about making another test, and they laughed so hard they had to run out of the building, never to be seen again. I don’t know where they went, maybe to make another test.”

At press time, Seinfeld was seen coaxing his deputy commander Brig. Gen. Costanza out from under his desk, where he’d built a flight simulator.

Lieutenant Dan contributes to Duffel Blog. He previously led a group of Air Force company grade officers who have all the solutions to all the world's problems. Now he rescues animals and sings them to sleep with classic Air Force songs like “Trust the System” and “Don't Fall Out of Formation.”

Air Force

ISIS thanks Air Force for bombing North Carolina with Humvee

The group said it wished it thought of the idea.

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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The U.S. Air Force received accolades from ISIS for totally missing a massive Fort Bragg drop zone and “bombing” civilian property in North Carolina with a Humvee, sources confirmed today.

The praise was apparently in reference to bungled airborne operation on Oct. 25, when a C-17 Globemaster accidentally dropped a Humvee by parachute into an area with private residences, miles short of the designated drop zone.

“In the name of Allah, the most Merciful, we send appreciations to the disbeliever Air Force for spreading terror into the decadent western province of North Carolina, home of infidel soldiers who kill our brothers and live on smokeless tobacco and energy drinks,” the terror group said in a statement.

“Truly, turning a Humvee into a 5,000 pound sky bomb was such a great idea, we wish it was ours. We only wish that the infidel vehicle had damaged the nearby nest of debauchery known as Fayetteville, where pawn shops, strip clubs and bars already help the Caliphate by hoovering money out of the wallets of crusader army soldiers.”

“We’re a little conflicted,” said spokesman Maj. Stephen Raskins. “On one hand we certainly don’t endorse ISIS or anything it stands for. On the other hand, we think this was a successful mission and are glad somebody sees it the same way.”

“Sure, hitting the drop zone is optimal,” said Raskins. “But its really only that last part of an airborne operation that has hundreds of moving parts. When you consider that that Humvee sailed off the C-17 like a dream and that the aircrew still made happy hour, this mission was 99% successful, just like Operation Market Garden in World War II. And really, compared to all the explosives and automatic weapons we lost at Minot Air Force Base this year, dropping a truck into a bunch of pine trees looks pretty damn good.”

Raskins also added that successful missions like this help the Air Force earn more funding for golf courses, dining facilities, and maybe training if there’s enough money left.

At press time, the Air Force planned to award Air Force Achievement Medals to the entire crew of the C-17. Reports of medals from ISIS could not be confirmed.

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Air Force

Air Force suffering from massive sky penis envy

“This is totally unfair,” said Maj. Richard “Kinda” Small

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NELLIS AIR FORCE BASE — Following news that the Marine Corps has made its own “sky penis” over Southern California just a year after the Navy pulled off a similar feat, the Air Force is reportedly “super jelly” and suffering a “massive case of sky penis envy,” Duffel Blog has learned.

According to sources close to the matter, the issue is highly sensitive and being felt all the way at the very tip of Air Force leadership.

“This is all cocked-up,” said Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson to top leadership in a meeting Wednesday. “Get your dicks together. This is affecting our recruiting. Air Force is over here pounding our puds while these Naval Aviators are out there like Red Bull air races meets PornHub. Our competition is stiff and we’re getting shafted!”

Disappointment at the lack of sky penis exists not just at the tip of the Air Force spear, but is also being felt up and down the length of the service’s rank and file, some of whom say they are feeling shafted.

“This is totally unfair,” said Maj. Richard “Kinda” Small, a fighter pilot with the Air Force’s flight demonstration squadron, the Thunderbirds.

“My F-16 could make a stunning sky penis. That jet is such a prolific unit. The list of things it can do is long and distinguished!”

While some senior civilian Air Force leaders are clearly demanding their own sky penis — which pilots are more than willing to sky-write — the hardest pushback is apparently coming from its own generals.

“Gentlemen, we don’t do sky penis,” said Brig. Gen. Phil Lacid. “Besides, we are way too busy prematurely ejecting humvees on the army right now.”

At press time, it was reported that the Commandant of the Marine Corps and Chief of Naval Operations co-authored a memo to the Air Force regarding successful sky-penis operations, which explained that it’s not just about man-power but also aircraft “thrust.”

The two intended to hand-deliver the missive but were too busy snickering in a Pentagon E-ring bathroom.

rockorsomething contributed reporting.

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Air Force removes baptism from basic training graduation requirements

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WASHINGTON — The Air Force announced today that it would no longer require recruits to become baptized Christians in order to graduate basic training following yet another bout of criticism over bias from Air Force leaders who identify as evangelicals.

Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson addressed the change in policy in a press conference at the Pentagon.

“After deep prayer and reflection, we have concluded that Jesus will just have to enter all of our new airmen’s hearts in His own way,” Wilson said. “We pray for our Lord and Savior’s grace and forgiveness in this matter.”

The move comes amid increasing scrutiny from groups like the Military Religious Freedom Foundation (MRFF) who say leaders are pushing their religious beliefs in inappropriate ways. By removing the baptism requirement, the Air Force hopes to tamp down mounting controversy.

The MRFF says there still is room for improvement.

“I mean, for goodness sake, the Air Force Academy – an engineering school that is supposed to mass produce pilots – has outsourced all science and engineering classes to Focus on the Family,”  said MRFF President Mikey Weinstein, an academy graduate himself. “We’ve got a generation of aviators and potential astronauts who think that gravity is the devil trying to suck them down into hell and that Elijah’s magic chariot dust is what propels them into the air.”

The Air Force is exploring other moves to further address concerns of organizations like the MRFF. Proposed ideas include discontinuing punishments for airmen who do not attend Bible study on a weekly basis and no longer issuing chastity belts to females in the service.

“We’ll continue to seek guidance from our pastors, and we also intend to check the Constitution again to see if there’s an amendment about Jesus in there” said Wilson.

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Air Force

Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

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ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

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Air Force drops pumpkin spice JDAM on Taliban position

Fall is here!

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Air Force Drops Pumpkin Spice JDAM on Taliban Position

AFGHANISTAN — Marking the beginning of fall and a pivot towards a more bountiful, festive campaign season, an Air Force F-16 fighter dropped a pumpkin spice Joint Direct Attack Munition on a Taliban fighting position, sources confirmed today.

“There’s nothing more lovely than when the leaves start to turn and all of our munitions are spiced with a savory hint of nutmeg and ginger,” said Capt. Mitch Lozano, the pilot. “You can almost taste the cool, damp leaves of autumn and the rich musk of freshly cut hay in the air after every attack.”

Sources say the squadron’s pilots were sitting around the fire drinking pumpkin spice lattes, reminiscing on the change of seasons and the fleeting nature of life, when they received reports of an Afghan unit in need of support. In accordance with procedure, they donned their chestnut brown flight sweaters, placed their cozy helmets over their flaxen manes, and took to the skies in a chilly autumn wind.

“Oh, how enchanting to bring in the harvest with a crisp cool breeze and the scent of cinnamon and clove around the charred remains of your enemy’s corpse,” said Lozano. “There’s not much that says ‘autumn’ more than the warm palette of sepia and ochre colored leaves as you and your best friends fly off into the sunset after an aggressive gun run.”

At press time, the Air Force announced it was developing peppermint mocha armor-piercing 30mm cannon ammunition and gingerbread cruise missiles to be ready in time for Christmas.

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Pentagon celebrates first successful F-35 crash in South Carolina

The downing of an F-35 out of Beaufort is yet another historic feat for the $115 million aircraft, officials said.

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BEAUFORT, S.C. — The Pentagon is hailing the first successful crash of an F-35 fighter in South Carolina, sources confirmed today.

Though officials cautioned that they were still hoping for a successful crash under combat conditions, the downing of an F-35 out of Marine Corps Air Station Beaufort is yet another historic feat for the $115 million aircraft, officials said.

The pilot ejected and was being evaluated by medical personnel and the F-35 program office for insight into whether officials could credit the pilot or Lockheed Martin for the aircraft hitting its most recent milestone. The crash came just one day after a different F-35B conducted its first combat strike in Afghanistan against an important enemy weapons cache of AK-47’s and RPG’s, costing the Pentagon only about $150,000 in spent munitions and aircraft flight hours.

“Just as the F-35 secretly outperformed the A-10 in a close air support role in the past, this aircraft has shown it is far better suited at crashing than the F-16,” said Lockheed Martin CEO Marillyn Hewson.

The crash was considered by the Marine Corps as a “total loss” of the aircraft. Military analysts have also used that language to describe the F-35 program’s budget.

The Pentagon intends to buy more than 2,400 of the jets at a cost of the military budgets of China and Russia combined, or $406 billion.

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‘War (What is it good for)’ singer admits war actually quite good for boosting economy, creating jobs

He admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

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LONDON — Nearly 50 years after the release of his counterculture number one hit “War (What is it good for),” unearthed notes from singer Edwin Starr’s estate reveal that he actually believed war was “quite good” for boosting the economy and creating jobs, sources confirmed today.

Although the song, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong in 1969, was one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs of the era, Starr admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

“While there are certainly many aspects of war I don’t like, my initial assessment that it is good for ‘absolutely nothing’ was a bit misguided,” Starr, who died in 2003, wrote in his personal diary. “I now realize that, despite war’s shortcomings, it plays a vital role in the economics of our country.”

Starr’s diary went on to say that when he initially performed the song in 1970, statistical data about job creation in the defense industry was not yet available. Nowadays, he said, defense giants like Lockheed Martin and Raytheon provide stable, well-paying jobs to thousands of Americans across the country.

“I’m still totally against the whole ‘death and destruction’ part of war, but from a commercial point of view it kind of makes sense,” the diary went on. “I would never have had the success I had if it weren’t for war.”

His diary went on to reveal more verses to the song that expand upon the various fiscal benefits of war which did not make the final cut.

“It ain’t nothin’ but a heart breaker,” goes the second verse, “but it is quite effective at reducing the bottleneck in entry-level civilian employment, oh-oo-oh yeah.”

“Lord knows there’s got to be a better way, whoa-oo-whoa, ya’ll,” Starr sings at the end of the song. “But, for now, war seems to lead to technological innovation and a sense of national unity and community involvement unequalled during most other periods in our history, good Lord, yeah.”

Dirty contributed reporting.

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Air Force dad home from deployment surprises family by pretending to be dead in a coffin

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NASHVILLE — The Seamons family wanted nothing more than their father to return from his one-year deployment to Bahrain, but in keeping with the ongoing trend of emotionally manipulating your children for social media gain, Air Force Senior Master Sgt. Bill Seamons delivered a coffin to the front door of his residence and hid inside it, sources confirmed today.

Seamons made his most recent homecoming his most surprising and fantastic yet, and the psychotic mother, Tara, was in on the whole thing. She recorded the kid’s reaction to opening the door and seeing coffin, which was draped with an American flag, laid silent at their doorstep with two airmen in service dress blues. The coffin had a letter attached to it that Bill wrote to his family in the event of his death, apologizing for dying and that he won’t be around any longer to watch them grow up.

“I am so proud of all of you and the people you have grown up to be,” the youngest in the family, Billy, read aloud, his voice quivering with grief. “I only request that you open my casket and give me one last kiss before I am buried with my brothers. I love you with all my heart and I miss you very much, Daddy,” he continued, as the family began to cry uncontrollably as he finished the letter.

The mother encouraged Billy to open the casket, and when he did, Seamons burst out and yelled, “SURPRISE!” When the family looked up, their father was standing in front of them, alive and well.

The family’s joyous reaction to seeing their dad after a whole year, and briefly believing that he had been killed in action, has brought many people to tears as they’ve watched the moment online, according to Military Homecoming Analytics, a firm that specializes in measuring social media reaction to videos of returning service members.

The Seamons family are used to their father’s antics. One time the father sent a fake beheading video posted to YouTube, only to be followed by Bill revealing himself as one of the terrorists and playing the Rick Roll song.

“I’m going to share this reaction video with the whole internet,” said Seamons of his latest video. “I’m sure we’ll be on Ellen, Jimmy Fallon, and James Cordon in a few weeks and then this whole thing will be worth the years of therapy my kids will have to endure.”

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