LYNCHBURG, Va. — A Heritage High School senior in the Marine Corps Delayed Entry Program shredded his contract last week after learning his recruiter could not guarantee that he would get laid in the fleet.
Michael Broeming,18, flipped out after Cpl. Josh Rudd, who was in the office on recruiter’s assistance, admitted that ass was not actually a Marine Corps-issued amenity. Sources say Broeming was filled with rage, and he flipped chairs before his paperwork was finally surrendered to him.
“That son-of-a-bitch recruiter had nothing but nudes on his Instagram!” he screamed while Rudd and another Marine attempted to subdue him. “He said there would be so much pussy that I’d spend half my enlistment at BAS getting cortisone shots to numb the cock pain.”
Staff Sgt. Trent Krull, Broeming’s recruiter, admitted that while nothing was guaranteed per se, the dress blue and horseshoe alone should be enough to secure a piece on any port or foreign shore.
“Let’s be honest, there isn’t a cooze around that can resist the hero costume,” Krull said, while pointing his thumbs inboard. “The ‘vette gets ‘em wet. If this little snot-flicker can’t see that, he can go sniff panties in the Target dressing rooms.”
Sources say several other area recruits on the DEP were reevaluating giving up four years of their life if having game was still required to meet women. With word also spreading around a recruit Facebook page, The Marine Corps may soon be scrambling to offer legitimate perks in order to maintain its quota.
“We’re looking at a few options for the coming months,” said Col. John Bolt; Commanding Officer of the 4th Marine Corps District Recruiting Command. “Even if we have to get every one of them fucked before the Marine Corps inevitably fucks them, so be it. We’ll figure out a way to make it work.”