FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. — Just hours after being released from prison, Army Pvt. Chelsea Manning was seen driving up to Whispers Gentlemen’s Club in Basehor, Kansas in a brand new white Dodge Challenger, sources confirmed.
Manning, who had her sentence commuted by President Obama after serving just under four years of a 35-year sentence for espionage and theft, told reporters that she was making up for lost time.
“I’m on excess leave, and this sweet new ride represents all that I — that we as a country — lost in Iraq,” she said.
Shifting a pile of confidential Fiat Chrysler Automobiles financial documents that Manning retrieved from the sales manager’s office at the Speedway dealership in Lansing, she added: “Totes getting those sweet military benefits too, and beaux coup hormones that make me happy.”
According to club officials, Manning was apparently auditioning as both a pole dancer and accountant.
“I watched Lindsay Mills’ videos while I was unlawfully confined. I liked her athleticism, which is on a level I could never attain, though I have tried since basic training. Plus her boyfriend Edward Snowden is totes hot, with those European eyeglasses and that neck mole. That motivated me to reach for the sky and seek my dreams.”
She added: “I’m also seeking the hidden accounting books for this club, so I can turn them over to WikiLeaks.”
During the dancing audition, Manning executed a Front Attitude to Donut move on Pole #2 that was rated as 8-out-of-10 by drunks, five out of 10 by teetotalers, and one out of 10 by the Army judge advocate general who knew who Manning was.
Sources say the infamous leaker then tossed USB drives into the crowd and said, “Here, sweeties, have a couple of leftover State Department secrets; you’ll love them. They’re from my ‘B-roll.’”
At press time, Manning was spotted at a local jet ski dealership.