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Coast Guard Academy cadets enlist to avoid Trump graduation speech


NEW LONDON, Conn. — A group of 65 Coast Guard Academy cadets enlisted this morning in lieu of accepting their commissions as officers, Duffel Blog has learned.

The cadets stated that they took action to avoid sitting through President Trump’s graduation speech later today.

“I’d much rather endure a few years of nicotine addiction and several failed marriages than listen to that bumbling orange windbag for 30 minutes,” said now Petty Officer 3rd Class Tyler Owens.

Coast Guard Academy cadets typically only enlist when they do not have the requisite grades, military aptitude, or BMW 6 Series to graduate as officers.

“It’s unprecedented to see nearly a third of our graduating class opt to enlist, and it’s definitely going to impact our officer corps,” said Rear Adm. James Rendon, superintendent of the Coast Guard Academy. “I tried to deter Trump from coming by telling the White House how shitty New London is. Their response was, ‘Just make sure there’s a golf course,’ so now we’re scrambling to build a putt-putt course on the soccer field.”

Due to budget cuts and the extensive maritime security that the Coast Guard has had to provide for Trump’s visits to Mar-a-Lago, the Coast Guard Academy is having trouble making ends meet for the event.

To pay for the golf course, additional security, and Russian hookers, Rendon directed the remaining cadets to host a car wash and recycling collection in full service dress. As for the newly minted petty officers, however, they are ready to start their exciting careers as Boatswain’s Mates.

“Being an officer would have been cool,” said Owens. “But you know what’s cooler? Talking shit about officers in the smoke pit. I’m really looking forward to that.”

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