MCRD PARRIS ISLAND, S.C. — The Marine Corps Recruit Depot has once again found itself in hot water after officials allowed an ISIS fighter to pursue his dreams of learning the art of torture and degradation from the prestigious Marine Corps Drill Instructor School, sources confirmed today.
Allahk Hazeen, a 25-year-old Syrian native and recent graduate, says he can’t wait to share the school’s wealth of knowledge with his fellow jihadists back home. He says his first job would be to recreate the drowning of six recruits in 1956 that led to the formation of DI school, which he will likely call the “Raqqa Creek Incident.”
Hazeen hopes that his blazing a trail could someday lead to the creation of more structured torture schools across the Islamic State like it did in the U.S. some 60 years ago.
“With the addition of these schools, I am confident we can create a nation-wide ‘Recruit Depot’ for our blasphemous citizens. At random times, we will tell them to ‘drop blouse’ and go to the sand-pit, which for us is pretty much all of Iraq, and I.T. for no real reason whatsoever,” Hazeen told reporters.
“After months of sand-dune climbers, hadji-squats, and holding rifles above their head in the proper ISIS shooting position, if any recruits are too injured to wage jihad, we’ll send them to Mosul for recovery or out processing, much like the Marine Corps does.”
Staff Sgt. Shay Dest, a drill Instructor on Parris Island and a former critic of Hazeen, grew to respect his dedication and work ethic when it comes to doing fucked up shit to innocent people.
“When we first met, I would’ve called him an enthusiastic amateur at best,” Dest said. “He was all ‘put people in cages and light them on fire’ and ‘ cut off body parts in public’. And while that works great, it’s also very over-done and outdated; and it was my job to show him the ropes. For example, if you choose to burn someone to death, make it really count.”
“Fire is too quick and leaves a terrible mess,” he added. “Instead, use bleach to chemically burn people over hours or days — plus the clean-up is a breeze.””
Dest went on to help him with the fundamentals of proper, long-term torture. Starting with sleep deprivation and working all the way to inducing someone’s suicide, Hazeen learned so much that graduated top of his class that cycle, stating the most important things he learned was patience and efficiency.
“Providing a thorough water-boarding and low-heat tumble dry to ensure ‘recruits’ are kept extra clean before sending them to the afterlife is crucial,” he said. “After that, make sure to get creative with it.”
“I only hope he will continue our lost traditions before liberal new-Corps snowflakes ruin it for him too,” Dest said. “But in the end it’s just good to know that there’s someone who enjoys mentally and physically torturing people as much as I do.”