Top secret background check reveals service member has no friends

CAPE MAY, N.J. — A Coast Guardsman undergoing a background interview for a top secret/sensitive compartmented information (TS/SCI) clearance is worried the investigator may learn he has no friends, sources confirmed today.

“If they ask me about how many people know me, I’m fucking screwed,” Petty Officer Steven Ferguson reportedly thought to himself, his palms sweating as he imagined the look on the interviewer’s face when she realizes he has no friends.

“Alright, how about Steve. Steve knows me. What is his last name?…Man? Steve Man? I’m an idiot.”

According to sources, Ferguson’s friend base consists only of some buddies he knew back in high school and those in his League of Legends team, specifically XFartBurglurX, Fapdragon, and HiggerNater.

“So it says here on your SF-86 form that you…umm…don’t have any close friends who know you well,” Special Agent Stephanie Collins asked Ferguson in the interview, sources said.

“I have like, a whole bunch of friends, like my mom, she’s my best friend. Oh! I know! The Subway guy on base sees me every day. I don’t even have to say anything and he already knows what I want. Does that count?” he nervously answered.

“I don’t know how it happened, I just got caught up in work and video games and then next thing you know it’s been five years since I’ve actually hung out with anyone,” Ferguson explained. “I’m not lonely. Well I am now that you asked me that horrendous question, but I was doing just fine living in my little bubble.”

Officials say that Ferguson has been working in the IT Department on Training Center Cape May for just under four years and seldom comes into contact with any other coworkers aside from the occasional computer inventory and trip to the exchange.

Ferguson has tried to go out on morale trips with fellow coworkers, with less than favorable results.

“I try to talk to people, but eventually they talk about lame shit like sports,” Ferguson told reporters. “I mean, no one wants to talk about what I like; like my fan theories on the shared universe of John Wick and Jack Reacher or my extensive collection of Manga and anime shows from the 90s.”

“He’s a typical introverted IT type personality,” Agent Collins told Duffel Blog. “I still have to perform the routine investigation but it’s not like he’s a spy or whatever. He’s just sad man-child who’s right hand is softer than his left hand.”


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