PYONGYANG — In a breakthrough negotiation amid escalating tensions on the Korean peninsula, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has agreed to trade away all his nuclear weapons in exchange for a single Krispy Kreme franchise, sources confirmed today.
“I’m super proud of Ambassador Hailey for negotiating such a big, big deal,” President Donald Trump said. “I thought I was going to have to bomb the shit out of ‘em.”
Pundits had long speculated on what could get Kim Jong-un to give up his nuclear weapons. Many experts had recommended tougher sanctions, or trying to persuade China to become more involved, though none seemed to change Pyongyang’s behavior.
“Due to an unusual translation error, Kim Jong-un originally thought that the USS Carl Vinson that was ordered to waters off Korea was actually a Carl’s Junior that was going to be built in Pyongyang,” one US official said, on condition of anonymity. “When he was informed that wasn’t the case, man was he pissed.”
The source added: “We had to find the one thing more important to Kim than the preservation of his regime. Turns out it was right there in front of us.”
Management officials at JAB Holding Company, owners of Krispy Kreme, were initially concerned that the deal would include a ‘Doughnuts for Life’ clause for Kim Jong-un which could have cost the company millions — assuming the dictator didn’t eat himself to death in the process.
But the North Korean regime has agreed to take on all costs of production due to a convenient supply of slave labor that keeps manufacturing costs to a minimum and both sides happy about the terms of the deal.