THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis is reportedly running out of things in his office to throw in anger after the latest crisis of the Trump administration’s own making, sources confirmed today.
According to defense officials, Mattis has thus far thrown a number of lamps, a couple hundred books, a few chairs, and various awards and commendations that were hanging on his wall after hearing of problems out of the White House. On late Monday evening Mattis was seen throwing his prized copy of “Meditations” by Marcus Aurelius — which he refers to in times of personal crisis — right out the window in a fit of rage that reverberated around every ring of the Pentagon.
“This fucking guy gave class info on ISIS to the fucking Russians?” Mattis reportedly said, according to witnesses. “Hey I’ve got a great idea, let’s tell them where our subs are too, because we all just want to be friends and sharing is caring or some happy horseshit.”
The 66-year-old former Marine general was upset over a story in The Washington Post which found Trump had disclosed highly classified material to Russia’s foreign minister in a meeting at The White House last week. The story, which was immediately condemned as fake news by Trump and people who don’t read above a fourth-grade level, was confirmed by The New York Times, Reuters, the Associated Press, and Russian news agency the GRU.
According to sources, Trump’s latest disclosure prompted Mattis to begin shoving his entire desk outside his Pentagon window in what officials described as something of a reenactment of a scene from the film “A Beautiful Mind.” The secretary one-upped the character of John Nash however, throwing one of his aides onto the desk four stories below the window before firing into his lifeless body with his personal .44 Magnum.
At press time, a recently-captured western intelligence asset inside the Islamic State was expressing thanks that Trump’s national security advisor H.R. McMaster was certain the president had not disclosed intelligence sources and methods.
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