FORT HOOD, Texas — Army Maj. Jared Barney got home from work early yesterday, expecting a celebration. Instead he was disappointed to find business as normal: his wife, Samantha, was uninterested in any festivities surrounding that most holiest of holidays, namely, D-Day.
“It was a pretty big letdown just walking in the door,” Barney said from his office, where he is currently serving as the Executive Officer of 215th Brigade Support Battalion. “I expected for her to have banners and posters, maybe a live band, or at least a tasteful-yet-erotic D-Day mix. But there was nothing.”
Dejected, Barney said he sulked in his garage, tinkering with his woodworking tools for a bit, until it occurred to him that maybe Samantha hadn’t had time to prepare since he arrived home earlier than normal.
“I thought, sure, Sam probably just didn’t expect me home so soon,” he said. “So I went back in and told her, hey, I’m going to take a long shower. Made sure she knew I was going to be upstairs for, like, at least an hour. And I thought, hey, added bonus: I’m making sure the D is clean and serviceable, for a pleasant D-Day for all involved.”
However, upon coming back downstairs, freshly clean, shaven, and with his pubic hair shaved into the shape of a blacksmith’s hammer, he found Samantha sitting on the couch in sweatpants, with no makeup, watching Top Chef and drinking a Coors Light. Barney could barely contain his disappointment.
So he sat down and asked her if anything was wrong.
“A new Army wife — I mean, we’ve been married for only six months — I thought maybe none of her new officer wife friends had explained to her the true meaning of D-Day.”
“You know,” he added, winking, “about The D.”
To her credit, Samantha soon caught on, and willingly, if begrudgingly, went upstairs to fix herself up. Barney decided to help her out by decorating the downstairs — both the house’s and his own.
“By the time she got back down,” Barney said, “not only were all the D-Day decorations up around the house, but I had the traditional little airborne helmet on my own D, complete with authentic combat webbing. I could tell by her face that she was impressed.”
Soon the pair were engaged in the customary D-Day celebration. The Barneys in so doing passed one of the initial milestones of many new Army married couples. The only foul note was after Barney’s first wave had hit Samantha’s Juno Beach.
“We were lying there, panting,” Barney said, frowning, “when she pulled her phone off the end table and started texting. I asked her what she was doing, and she said she’d done some research on her phone while she was upstairs getting ready. Then she said, ‘phase one complete, I’m ready for D Plus One.'”
“I had no idea what she meant until the doorbell rang, and who do you think it was, but that little piss-ant Ranger School grad lieutenant, the new guy from Alpha company. I didn’t really want to let him in, but as [commander, amphibious task force], it was her call.”
Jay contributed reporting.