MIRAMAR, Calif. — The Islamic State (ISIS) has taken credit for yesterday’s foul and heinous action which blew up the bathroom of Marine Maj. Gen. Mark Wise.
The incident was apparently carried out by a member of ISIS’ elite Martyrs of al-Mirḥāḍ Brigade, which infiltrated the general’s bathroom and apparently dropped a huge bomb right where everyone would have to deal with it.
Staff at the 3rd Marine Aircraft Wing were unable to confirm whether the attack featured conventional or unconventional ordnance, but unofficially estimated that the bathroom would be closed for at least the next few hours.
As a precaution, officials have placed all of Miramar Air Station on alert and vowed to flush out the culprit as part of Operation PHANTOM SHITTER.
Intelligence and law enforcement officials were unable to say what prompted the attack, but suggested the base’s Chipotle restaurant may have played a key role. They say any connection between this action and whoever blew up the shower in the gym last week are still unconfirmed.
At least five Marines were left gasping for air and retching over the floor, and while medical officials are confident they will make a full physical recovery, the psychological damage they suffered may be permanent.