WASHINGTON — The Army has unveiled a new 700-part operations order in an effort to eliminate guilt small unit leaders may feel sending their soldiers to die in wars no one cares about, sources confirmed today.
According to Army spokesman Lt. Col. Ronald Dial, the “cornerstone of irrelevant and protracted land warfare” that makes up the 12 volume appendix to the “Army Planning and Orders Production” field manual would replace the long-standing five paragraph operations order, and become a mandated piece of equipment at the squad level.
“This is by far the most comprehensive and thorough planning process ever conceived,” said Dial, who personally spent nearly 17 months reviewing the PowerPoint summary of the process, which came out to a 2-terabyte file size.
“By following the 700-step planning process, leaders can be confident in their decision to risk their soldiers’ lives in any conflict with questionable strategic and operational goals.”
According to Dial, the Army was looking at ways to remove all moral culpability of sending America’s sons and daughters to their deaths under dubious circumstances since the Vietnam War. But those efforts stalled after lop-sided victories of zero importance in Grenada, Panama, and Operation Desert Storm.
“With the situation in the Middle East as hopeless as ever and only 30 percent of legislators still in Congress who decided to invade Afghanistan and Iraq, we knew it was only a matter of time before committing US forces to another historically volatile and culturally opposite area of the planet with no legitimate plan for success,” said Dial.
“We felt it prudent to renew efforts to completely absolve leaders of risking their subordinates’ lives for reasons completely unknown to them.”
Opponents of the new doctrine have been openly voicing their concerns, citing the exponential increase in planning time and manpower required to execute the simplest of tasks. However, senior Rand consultant Miranda Billingsly assured reporters there was nothing to worry about.
“It is completely unreasonable to think that a company grade officer or NCO could cover the 700-step OPORD by themselves,” Billingsly said. “That is why the Rand corporation has been awarded a $4 billion contract to provide personalized in-theater research, transcription, and advisory services at every conceivable level of the chain of command.”
“Leaders won’t have to worry about a thing and can rest easy,” added Billingsly, “and give them more time to focus on important things like the embedded RAND consultants’ security, billeting, transportation, and meals.”