CREECH AIR FORCE BASE, Nev. — Air Force pilots flying Unmanned Aircraft Systems (UAS) are enthusiastic about testing technologies that will help them engage enemy drones in brutal chair-to-chair combat, sources confirmed today.
“I can’t wait to lock onto one of those Russian ‘Repellant’ drones that supposedly suppress our communications,” said 1st Lt. Rodney “Preparation J” Judkins, a UAS pilot assigned to the 556th Test and Evaluation Squadron. Sitting in a Gentle Buttrider Mark III seat during a training flight open to reporters, he said, “I’ll knock those Rooskies out of their probably plastic chairs! Probably a chair like what you sit in at the lake.”
Judkins was eagerly looking forward to heart-pounding, death-defying chair-to-chair combat with both small ISIS drones and tough-as-nails Russian UASs.
“Air Force engineers help me fly, fight and relax by researching and testing the capabilities of enemy chair forces so we can win by a comfortable margin.”
Those foreign chair technology engineers work at the Air Force’s National Chair and Space Intelligence Center (NCSIC), located at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio. One of them agreed to be interviewed on the condition that the public not know that she owns a stained brown 1978 Sears hide-a-bed sofa. (Duffel Blog declined this request). She said that while the U.S. has a clear advantage in its ability to defeat enemy UASs while taking it as easy as an Eagles song, the comfort gap is closing.
“China has the Long Resting March 3 in pre-production right now,” the engineer said. “It’s got fifth-generation technology for expertly heating a dish of Eight Treasures Stuffed Duck — something we can’t do — and reportedly has a ‘nod off no-no’ sleepiness indicator that automatically feeds Monster Mao energy drinks to the pilot.”
Col. Paul Jones, commander of the 53rd Test and Evaluation Group and Judkin’s senior officer, said, “I was an early enthusiast of UAS technology so I’ve seen the advances we’ve made in lethality, global reach, and reduced butt-chafing. The terrorists should fear our ability to strike them anywhere at anytime while eating barbecue and Buffalo wings in our most-comfy chairs.”
“However,” he added, “we need the new Mark IV chair now if we’re going to win this new Cold Comfort War.”
The Mark IV, currently in secret testing at undisclosed locations but which include Air Force dormitories, Air Force gymnasiums and Air Force general officer residences, was invented by Lockheed Martin’s famous Skunk Works in conjunction with IKEA under a pilot program called, “His Majesty in His Chair.”
It is said to be the ne plus ultra in UAS technology. Leaked photos show a three butt-and-a-half wide cheetah-skin chair with a built-in refrigerated Camel-bak, a wood-fired pizza oven, and a heads-up-display connected to both the Air Force portal and redtube.com.
“I’m worried about my pilots still using the Mark III in this deadly global terrorism environment,” said Jones. “The III’s fabric is porous so pilots ruin it when they spill their kombucha drinks. And of course they drop CAC cards and popcorn down the side of the cushions. What lieutenant doesn’t? The Mark IV fixes everything with distributed consequence fabric as well as multi-poly side-webbing delivered by NASA.”
He added: “Best of all, the Mark IV is totally made in the U.S.A. with some materials actually made in the U.S.A.”