THE PENTAGON — U.S. service members can now be charged under Article 81 (Conspiracy) of the uniformed code of military justice for asking questions “for a friend,” sources confirmed last week.
According to the Pentagon’s general counsel, posing hypothetical questions regarding illegal, treasonous, or immoral acts under the guise of a friend’s curiosity is now grounds for being tried under military law, two defense officials said.
“One of my colleagues at Fort Meade didn’t show up to a meeting today,” said Capt. Abraham Reynolds, a signal officer assigned to the Pentagon. “Last night, he asked ‘for a friend’ if it’s legal to hack into a high school crush’s webcam for reasons of national security.”
“Obviously, I told him ‘no,’ but I recall mentioning an exploit I found for sale on the dark web… oh, fuck. Never mind, I have to go.”
Though the policy change was made public last week, many military members said some of their colleagues have disappeared soon after they asked sketchy or even awkward questions on behalf of hypothetical friends. Some questions were in regards to whether it’d be okay to make a sex tape as long as four-fifths of the participants consent, if one might be able to get away with going to fight alongside the Peshmerga as long as one takes leave to do so, or if one could “nail that hot lieutenant as long as she’s not in my chain-of-command.”
In addition, several troops have noted the vanishing of acquaintances who have asked questions regarding theoretical activities which might not be illegal per se, but could still anger the wrong people.
“Just the other day, some dumbass was asking if an obviously-nonexistent buddy of his could bang the sergeant major’s daughter once she turns 18,” said one soldier stationed at Joint Base Andrews who spoke on condition of anonymity. “And he didn’t even notice that several NCOs were nearby. I don’t blame him for making himself scarce.”
“Come to think of it, I haven’t seen sergeant major around, either. I doubt that their absences are connected, though.”