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Marine Corps

Kelly vows to lead White House through squad push-up

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WASHINGTON — Just hours after assuming the post as the 27th White House Chief of Staff, retired Marine Gen. John Kelly has vowed to lead the White House through what he called “a tough and turbulent” all-hands squad push-up.

The push-up, which will involve all 4,000 members of the White House staff and Executive Office of the President, will be carried out later today on the South Lawn. Kelly has not yet specified if it will consist of multiple groups doing squad push-ups, or a giant ‘human centipede’-style formation.

Kelly made the announcement on Monday at his inaugural staff meeting, which was attended by the White House staff and press corps.

When asked about his leadership style, Kelly quoted George S. Patton, saying, “The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.”  He added, “I intend to get all the sweat of you that I can,” to nervous laughter.

He also issued orders to immediately close the White House Mess, saying that his staff should “only be hungry for knowledge and pain.”

The 67 year-old former Homeland Security Secretary, a known fitness fanatic, also issued his proposed “Body (De)Composition Program 2017” program, which he promised will “cut the flab” out of the White House staff.

Several aides, who hurriedly added to reporters that Kelly meant “flab” as more of a metaphor for out-of-control spending, were reportedly still doing mountain climbers in the White House’s newly-installed sandpit.

Kelly was joined at the meeting by President Donald Trump, who had some positive things to say about his new chief of staff:

“I’m really glad we’ve got John working this now,” the president said. “He’s a great man. Beautiful man. Huge penis. He doesn’t think I know. I know. Really popular with the jarheads. Can I say that? Screw it, I said it. Over to you Mad Dog, and Semper Fi.”

Newly-designated White House Press Platoon commander Sarah Huckabee Sanders said Kelly would spend the rest of the day in meetings with members of Congress, after first discreetly removing the 40 copies of Thucydides that Defense Secretary Jim Mattis had left strategically placed around the building.

Marine Corps

Marine Corps predicts future drinking incidents will be caused by near-peer pressure

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The Marine Corps published a strategic document today that predicts future alcohol-related incidents will be caused primarily by near-peer pressure.

“We need to think beyond the small-scale drinking incidents of the past 20 years of counterinsurgency and start looking at major intoxicating threats,” reads a forward from Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller. “In the future, near-peer adversaries like Russia and China will pressure us to enter into high intensity, testosterone-fueled benders. If we’re not prepared, they may even drink us under the table.”

The document claims that high tech weapons and advanced sensors on the battlefield will mean that Marines have to disperse into several smaller barracks parties if they want to get plastered. Small units seeking to close with and destroy the local nightlife will have to rethink their tactics.

“We’ve gotten too used to robust logistical support providing us all the booze we need whenever we want to tie one on,” Neller continues. “But Chinese anti-access/area denial systems will increasingly be checking IDs at the door and may prevent Marines from having easy access to local pubs. Very soon, we may have to conduct forcible entry operations through the side door of the bar just to get a drink.”

In testing, the Corps has had some success in reducing DUIs through the use of unmanned ground vehicles. However, unmanned systems also pose some risk.

“In the Marine Corps,” added Neller, “even the unmanned vehicles get drunk.”

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Marine Corps

Wait training added to Marine PFT

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QUANTICO, Va. — Headquarters Marine Corps will add wait training to the physical fitness test to reflect increased demands on the time of today’s Marines, sources confirmed today.

The test itself will feature a four-hour wait check, and the preparatory program will incorporate lengthy waits in multiple settings.

“We’ve found that Marines spend a significant portion of their day — in garrison, in the field, and on deployment — waiting around for something, and some of them are just not prepared,” said Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller. “No hip-pocket classes ready to brief, nothing from my professional reading list and no PME homework. Hell, not even any hydration, tobacco or sunflower seeds.”

The revised training program will require Marines to wait in a classroom for 55 minutes before the instructor shows up. At the close of the classroom portion of the wait training, Marines will divide into groups and proceed to the base clinic, armory, consolidated issue facility and range. There they will participate in round-robin training consisting of sitting, kneeling or standing at each location for 75 minutes before a role player turns them away for lack of ID or appropriate attire. They will finish the training day by waiting on the word for 84 minutes.

As with any change the Corps has introduced in its storied history, there have been vocal objections from those who consider themselves “Old Corps.”

“Those millennials need training for everything. Real Marines already know how to wait. I’ve been waiting for my check-in sheet to be signed since ’89. Chesty would roll over in his …” said Master Gunnery Sgt. Jedediah Smith, before choking on the baseball-sized dip in his mouth.

Some have questioned the feasibility of incorporating so much extra training into the annual training requirements of a force that is continually preparing for war in Afghanistan, North Korea, China and Texas. However, the concerns have largely fallen on the deaf ears of leaders waiting around at DEERS.

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Marine Corps

Recruiters hate him! Marine finishes four-year contract in eight months with one simple trick

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TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Pfc. Patrick Boyd is being hailed as a genius after finishing a four-year contract in just eight months

His peers are beyond jealous at Boyd’s amazing feat.

“Boyd and I went through boot camp and ITB together,” Pfc. Hector Gomez said. “Then, we both got orders to 2/7 (2nd Battalion 7th Marine Regiment). I’d also thought we’d EAS around the same time. Now, he’s back home, and I’m stuck in the middle of the desert with my head shaved bald screaming ‘aye lance corporal’ at a bunch of dudes with no combat experience who are like six months older than I am.”

One of those Marines tormenting Gomez is Lance Cpl. Brad Williams. Williams never thought much of Pfc. Boyd while serving as his team leader. But, this turn of events has left him in awe.

“It normally takes four years to fulfill a four-year contract, but the other day I saw Boyd walk by in civvies with his DD-214,” Williams said. “He must be some kind of prodigy.”

Staff Sgt. Jose Ramos, the unit’s substance abuse control officer, was also impressed.

“The Marine Corps considers a urine sample with 100 nanograms of cocaine per milliliter to be positive,” he said. “Pfc. Boyd tested at 1400 ng/mL. He must’ve been railing lines of coke off the top of the urinal while he was pissing. It’s truly motivating to see a Marine so determined to go above and beyond the standard.”

Outside the small rowhouse in Allentown, New Jersey, where Boyd now lives with his parents and younger sister, a line of Marines snakes around the block. All are there to learn how they too can cut their contracts down to a quarter of their original lengths. They’ve drained their leave balances to come speak with a man who’s quickly becoming a prophet-like figure in the lance corporal community.

Boyd doesn’t understand their admiration.

“I went out there yesterday and told them I got an other than honorable discharge, and now I’m going to spend the rest of my life living at home and working at a gas station,” Boyd said. “They still just wanted to know how I got out so quickly.”

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Air Force

Fans excited for final season of Afghanistan

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BAGRAM, Afghanistan — Fans of Afghanistan, already America’s longest running drama, are excited for the premier of the final season of the conflict, whenever that may be.

A media darling at launch, Afghanistan has suffered from low viewership since the first season but remains a powerhouse moneymaker with an annual budget of almost $45 billion. Producers initially promised large, exciting battles and decisive story lines but thus far have had issues delivering consistently. Fans of the show place the blame for many of those issues on producers insisting the show split air time with spinoff drama Iraq.

Despite the small TV audience tuning in, a large number of Americans (about 14,000 at present) physically attend the conflict every year hoping to take part in events as they unfold.

However, many of these participants express discontent over the direction the show has taken and feel the program has been dragging for the last decade or so.

“I was skeptical at first because there had been a Russian drama about Afghanistan, but in the first few seasons, this felt very different. And when they surprised everyone by killing off Bin Laden in season 10, that was amazing,” said Capt Mike Watt, currently deployed to Sharana. “But l feel like lately it’s been the same story line every season. Just lazy writing all around.”

A quick audit of recent years supports Watt’s argument. Plot devices like COIN, blue on green insider attacks, and meeting with local leaders that end up accomplishing nothing have become repetitive. Despite these issues, there remain a strikingly large number of subplots and unanswered questions. So many in fact, that writers and executive producers have expressed that they can’t imagine wrapping this up even if they have 10 plus more seasons.

Regardless, fans remain excited for the final season whenever that may be. An online poll among attendees on who will end up on top received hundreds of thousands of votes and came back with a landslide victory for write in candidate “I don’t give a fuuuuuuck.”

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Air Force

Service chiefs really tired of this Congressional committee’s crap

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The military’s service chiefs have been tired, but never tired like this. (Source: National Guard Bureau)

WASHINGTON — The Defense Department’s service chiefs are massively weary of this stupid Congressional committee hearing, sources confirmed today.

Although the hearing on force readiness in the mid-term began moments ago, it has “nose-dived faster than Congressman Schiff’s reputation,” according to a military legislative affairs officer. 

“I put on a service dress uniform for this?” Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David L. Goldfein asked his peers, apparently unaware he was wearing a hot microphone.

The Committee chairwoman — no one knows her name because she did nothing notable before Democrats took control of the House —asked Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark A. Milley for his assessment of Navy readiness.

Milley appeared confused by a question on a separate service and paused before saying, “I would like to respond by stating that the readiness of Congress to hold this hearing is a complete shit-show, ma’am.”

Rep. Slay Z. Lewks (D – possibly Queens but she doesn’t know) followed with a freshwoman attempt at putting the hearing back on track by asking about mold in military housing. The chairwoman informed Lewks the topic was not related to force readiness.

“Then what about mold readiness in the mid-term?” Lewks asked.

Rep. Sea H. Ag (D – San Francisco) then interrupted Lewks to repeatedly stammer over the word “the.” She finally finished her question on the best place in D.C to meet sailors, which was met by the audible sighs of the testifying service chiefs.

Before Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John M. Richardson could wipe the stunned look off his face, Ag told him “I’m a cougar, John, in case you didn’t notice, John — rawwr.”

The chiefs then appeared to be studying their notes, but they were actually playing sudoku on sheets in their briefing books, except for Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller. 

“He doesn’t know how sudoku works,” says a Marine Corps public affairs office. Neller instead repeatedly snapped a can of Copenhagen under the desk while glaring at Lewks and anyone else who lewks at him for more than a second.

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Marine Corps

Boot camp adds fifth phase to re-instill discipline after fourth phase

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SAN DIEGO — The commanding officer of Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego, Brig. Gen. Ryan Heritage, announced today that the Marine Corps is adding a new fifth phase to recruit training.

The goal of fifth phase is to re-instill discipline after fourth phase, which was rolled out last year. Headquarters Marine Corps implemented fourth phase to ease recruits’ transition to the fleet. It instead turned them into nasties with excessive weakness in their disgusting bodies, according to all drill instructors at the depot. To remedy this problem, recruits will experience a second “Black Friday” and redo the first month of boot camp.

“We were getting Marines from the depot who could barely execute inspection arms. I even had a private touch his disgusting face the other day,” said Gunnery Sgt. Aaron Jones, a combat instructor at the School of Infantry-West. “We need to get back to the fundamentals of what makes the Marine Corps great: hyper-aggressive 18-year-olds incapable of thinking for themselves.”

Drill instructors welcomed the announcement.

“I’ve struggled to run fourth phase,” said Staff Sgt. Jeffrey Harbuckle, a drill instructor at MCRD San Diego. “They expect me to teach recruits to act like normal people, but after 12 years in the Marine Corps, I honestly have no idea how. Fifth phase helps me set recruits up for success in the fleet by focusing on yelling all the time and close order drill.”

Heritage told reporters that part of the intent behind the creation of fifth phase is to make recruits “ready to be Marines 24/7, in and out of uniform.” He hopes to supply the operating forces with new joins who are “just as comfortable wearing dress blues to their old high school prom as they are wearing a Gruntstyle t-shirt to the massage parlor just outside the base gate.”

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Marine Corps

Marine officer says Marine units should use LSD to gain edge over enemy

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PENTAGON — A Marine officer recently stirred up controversy by suggesting that Marines employ the use of LSD in current warfighting engagements and Pentagon officials are considering turning to the novel approach, sources confirmed today.

LSD, or dock landing ship, is a transport ship capable of carrying a complement of 400 Marines and several amphibious landing craft with the potential side effect of seasickness.

Maj. Emere Albayarak, an officer with Marine Corps Intelligence, Surveillance and Reconnaissance Enterprise, submitted a study highlighting the combat benefits of LSD, stating that the vessel can provide troops with the “psychological and mental edge” needed to achieve absolute victory in addition to the ability to project air and ground power from the sea.

Critics claim that Albayarak has likely spent too much time experimenting at sea.

“Afghanistan is a landlocked country committed to the opium trade,” said a Department of Defense spokesperson. “There is absolutely no reason to introduce 16,000 tons of LSD to that region of the world.”

Albayarak remains unswayed.

“Though the idea is radical,” he wrote, “it must be understood that this is neither a sideways attempt to allow Marines to float aimlessly nor a half-baked attempt to recreate previously failed wars in Afghanistan.”

Photo courtesy of the eagle-eyed investigative journalist, Lieutenant Dan.

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Marine Corps

NCIS sting: Marines bribe officials for acceptance into University of Phoenix, Strayer University

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The Naval Criminal Investigation Service announced today the indictment of several Marines accused of bribing college officials for admission to some of the nation’s top online diploma mills.

“These bribes deprived veterans, other service members and average American dupes the chance to get ahead,” NCIS Agent Tom Malloy told reporters. “They prevented the opportunity for hard working people to advance careers through an esteemed and rigorous education.”

NCIS opened its investigation after a Camp Lejeune unit education officer dropped an envelope stuffed with one and five dollar bills and an application to Strayer University written in crayon. A civilian contractor turned the envelope over to NCIS, igniting a scandal that involved multiple Marine Corps bases, according to Malloy.

“In most instances, an education officer took half of the money and sent the rest to the university official,” Malloy said.

The University of Phoenix, Capella University, and Grand Canyon University were also implicated in the scandal. Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller expressed shock at the alleged scheme.

“Marines are taught to use black pens on official documents,” Neller said. “Crayons are strictly for consumption.”

NCIS agents believe junior enlisted Marines hatched the plan when looking to enroll in classes that coincided with field day formations. Education officers insisted the Marines would need extra help in enrolling in these for-profit colleges. The education officers earned between $5 and $6 per application for a total of over $500,000 in bribes, according to NCIS.

“I was a little confused when I was approached with a bribe for admission the first time,” an admissions officer for Phoenix University said. “I mean, we’ll enroll anyone with a line of credit or access to tuition assistance money. I took the bribe of course. It only had a few dollars covered in grease and glitter that probably came from a local strip club.”

It is still unclear if the universities will expel the students involved. Most will remain enrolled until their payment checks clear.

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