MARINE CORPS BASE QUANTICO, Va. – During his recent reenlistment ceremony, 1st Sgt. Mike Greenwell made the shocking announcement that he walks on the grass on base, sources confirmed today.
“Thank you all for being here to support me, but I just gotta get this off my chest,” Greenwell said during the ceremony. “I … walk on the grass when no one is looking.”
Shock and disbelief spread rapidly among the large gathering of friends, family, and coworkers forced to attend Greenwell’s eighth reenlistment ceremony.
“Oh man, I don’t know what to think now,” muttered Sgt. Luis Rivera. “Next he’s gonna say he doesn’t ‘get some for Chesty.’”
Greenwell confessed to the egregious crime during the brief period after being discharged and before being reenlisted, when many falsely believe they are not subject to the Uniform Code of Military Justice or the laws of human decency.
“I’ve heard a few staff sergeants and gunnies call their company commanders by their first names, and one time a master guns whistled at an attractive female captain — she put him in a chokehold — but this was a first for me,” said Lt. Col. Jason Lopez, Greenwell’s battalion commander.
The train wreck that was Greenwell’s reenlistment ceremony continued after the initial bomb was dropped, when he added, “Also, sometimes I walk around in my office with my hands in my pockets, and … I … haven’t actually memorized the Staff NCO creed.”
Following that admission, the battalion sergeant major had to be rushed to the hospital with a ruptured aneurysm. As he was whisked away by paramedics, he could be heard gasping out, “General Luhjurn … rolling over in his grave.”
1st Lt. Mike Marshall, the battalion adjutant, put an end to the horror by calling attention to orders and reading the certificate of reenlistment.
Not all were equally traumatized by the revelations of the ceremony, however, and an inspired lance corporal could be heard quietly rehearsing his own speech about not wearing his cover while walking out to his car that one time.
Duffel Blog writer Lee Ho Fuk contributed to this article.