NORFOLK, Va. — Naval Station Norfolk’s long term parking is taking a number of steps to secure your full social security number and other personal information while you’re on deployment, sources confirmed today.
Situated at the edge of an empty parking lot, the long term parking office is an impenetrable fortress, one source said, adding that tests found it is capable of securing the personal information required to park a car in a dirt lot.
“Yeah we have all the socials secured,” said an employee who identified himself as ‘Dixie Normous.’ “We have all the top security measures in place like this latch on the door. It holds the door shut unless you give it a little jiggle. We stopped leaving the windows open at night now that it’s getting colder as well.”
He added: “Even if someone came in here looking for info they’d have to get past Bud.”
After hearing her name, Bud grunted and went back to watching TV Land.
“We take our job very seriously here,” Normous said, rubbing Cheetos dust from his fingers onto his Redskins sweatshirt. “Not everyone can do this kind of work. If a sailor’s ship goes out on August 1st and they drop their car off here July 31st, we make the sacrifices to ensure he’s charged for the entire month of July.”
Normous pointed to the piles of unmarked binders, papers strewn across the floor, and a stack of papers covered in cat piss as proof physical security was in good hands. Normous also warned reporters that all the surfaces of the office were sticky.