Fort Knox, KY — Army Human Resources Command (HRC) confirmed today that officers will now be rated on the punchability of their face in upcoming promotion boards.
“We’ve been distracted with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and forgotten about the basics,” HRC spokesperson Kevin Lindsey said. “We let too many unworthy officers slip through the cracks. Not anymore.”
Officer Evaluation Reports will now have a section just for rating the punchability of subordinates’ faces. Raters must score factors like the smugness of facial expressions and douchiness of the arch of their eyebrows. Leaders can only award the highest rating, ‘Dane Cook-punchability,’ to 10% of their subordinates, so competition will be fierce.
Some officers expressed concern about what this change may do to the future Army. “One thing is for sure,” a captain said on condition of anonymity, “we’re gonna have a shit-ton more Cav officers running around.”
Even existing officers are facing consequences. The Army reduced Chief of Staff General Mark Milley to the rank of Captain for remedial douchiness training.
“Milley’s got a chin like Jay Leno and he could definitely take a hay-maker,” Acting Secretary of the Army explained. “He rates terribly on the punchability scale right now, so we’re assigning him to the Chemical Corps in the hopes that he can learn some things.”
Update: A new HRC memo announced that eligible captains will receive a waiver for punchability and an immediate promotion to major if they take a new DA photo wearing an “Iron Major Crossfit” hoodie sweatshirt.