WASHINGTON — Terrorist leaders around the world began offering their unconditional surrender after President Donald Trump declared Wednesday that transgender people would no longer be “allowed or accepted” in the U.S. military.
“For the past 16 years we have kept the infidels at bay,” said Taliban leader Mullah Yaqoub, from his jail cell in Kabul. “But now that they have purged the degenerates from their ranks, they will surely accomplish their mission after over a decade of failure.”
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, turned himself into Iraqi government forces upon hearing the news, revealing that the group’s “victories were only due to the Americans being distracted by the lady-men hiding in their midst,” he said. “Now our damnation is assured.”
Thousands of insurgents in Syria, Yemen, and Libya reportedly quit the battlefield after learning that transgender service members would no longer be allowed to bog down the rest of the military. Some, however, vowed to continue the fight.
President Trump’s decision was met with praise by several high-ranking officers at the Pentagon.
“The military is meant to win wars,” said Lt. Gen. Bob Hogan. “This isn’t some snowflake social experiment, where anyone can join as long as they’ve got the guts and the skill. Besides, the money we’d spend on this would take away from all the other pointless bullshit we usually blow it on.”
The transgender policy change was announced by the President with a series of morning tweets, in which he explained that he came to the decision after “consultation with my generals and military experts.” Sources close to the White House say that these experts consisted of campaign strategist Steve Bannon, the President’s son Donald Trump Jr., and a GI Joe action figure.
“The President is making sure the military is focused on winning,” a current U.S. President told Duffel Blog, on condition of anonymity. “We have to get back to winning. We’re losing all the time. Everyone is saying, ‘Hey, America, remember when you used to win? Before you got all politically correct?’ It’s incredible. It’s hugely unbelievable. We have to win again, and we have to focus on winning.”
U.S. military spokesmen in Afghanistan were unavailable for comment.