FORT POLK, La. — The U.S. Army will rename its Joint Readiness Training Center to The Center for LARPing Army Preparation of Excellence, sources confirmed today.
The Center, which serves as the Army’s premier combat training center and employs a number of civilian role players to challenge infantry units, was renamed by the school’s commander, who enjoys live-action role playing in and out of uniform.
“It’s what we do,” said Lt. Col. Winston Boomhower. “No one in the world can LARP like us. No one.”
LARP, or Live Action Roleplaying, is a form of pretend that only the most serious military professionals are capable of employing, according to defense officials.
“Majors will replace Captains as lane walkers and we will now be calling them Mages,” Boomhower said. “It seemed fitting, given the God Gun’s true powers. Civilian LARPers are some of the most fit, active people in the world. They’re consummate professionals and experts at their craft. I’ve never met a LARPer that didn’t scare the shit out of me.”
Pressed for more details, Boomhower added: “The God Gun? Oh, it’s a mythical weapon system. You don’t even know. We’ve thought about fielding them in the current conflicts, but it would be against the Geneva Conventions.”
Boomhower only clapped and left the room when questioned about the school’s new acronym of CLAP-E.