WASHINGTON — The Coast Guard received a birthday card from Congress containing a couple of twenty-dollar bills after it failed to recognize the service’s 227 years of existence, sources confirmed today.
“Dear Coast Guard,” the card read. “Happy belated birthday! Wish we would have been there to celebrate with you, but we’ve been SO busy. Hope you had a great day! And don’t spend this all in one place!!! xoxo.”
The musical birthday card, when opened, belted out the tune “Anchors Aweigh,” since Congress could not find a usable copy of the Coast Guard’s march song, “Semper Paratus.”
“Dude, we had like two hours to put this thing together,” said Bill Angelo, a congressional staffer. “The sound guy said ‘Semper Paratus’ was in WAV format and he needed MPEG-4 or something. I don’t know. It’s the best we could do.”
Coast Guard Commandant Adm. Paul Zukunft, who had been moping around all day after not getting a card, was elated to receive the well wishes.
“I really thought they had forgotten about us, especially with the budget cuts and all,” said Zukunft. “You know, I just want to be treated like the older kids. Congress never forgets THEIR birthdays! I heard they each got a new F-35 last year. I want an F-35!”
Nevertheless, Zukunft was bolstered by the generous gift inside the card.
“We’re really going to make this 40 dollars go a long way,” said Zukunft. “I’ll finally be able to get a new coffee maker for our office. Whatever is leftover will go in the piggy bank for our new class of national security cutter, which we should have enough money for by 2056.”