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Thousands of Majors sign petition demanding gold rank for Brigadier Generals

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WASHINGTON — Several thousand Army, Air Force, and Marine majors have signed a petition to the Pentagon demanding the rank of brigadier general be changed to gold, sources confirmed today.

“We’re tired of being called the second second lieutenants,” reads the petition, which currently has more than 5,000 signatures.

Colonels are split down the middle over the potential change; non-promotable colonels overwhelmingly support the move, while promotable colonels think the idea is terrible, though none have offered specifics.

Army Maj. Paul Douglas, who represents a large group of field grade officers, explained the motive behind the petition.

“The flag officers don’t even respect me. I’m the lowest ranking guy here,” Douglas said, from his desk inside a building that doesn’t have a number. “They’ve taken away my purpose. I see this as the only victory I can attain: gold-chested general officers.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a Pentagon official pushed back on a rank change since it could “lead to unintended consequences.”

“If we made it gold, we would have to change the Warrant Officer-1 rank to gold, too. And we all know the Chief Warrant Officers would flip their shit if that happened,” the official said. “We aren’t even sure how many CW-5s exist. Have you ever seen one? I haven’t. But they’re out there, and they’re more powerful than you could possibly imagine.”

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