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Outraged veteran outraged by outraged student activists

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CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Former Army sergeant and professional aggrieved veteran Robert Haskell’s passion for criticizing political correctness in academia is surpassed only by his own hypersensitive victimhood narrative about all things veteran-related, sources confirmed today.

“I saw a video on Facebook where these Oberlin students burned an American flag,” a tearful Haskell said during a recent interview with Duffel Blog. “They basically committed an act of violence against everyone who has ever served. It’s an emotional IED. I literally couldn’t bring myself to use social media for days.”

“I’ve had it with their hysterical moralizing,” Haskell claimed. “74% of veterans end up homeless and there are 94 veteran suicides per minute so, no, I don’t have time for made-up statistics from special snowflakes,” he claimed, using a derogatory term for activists whose hypersensitivity and obsession with oppression causes them to behave like insufferable parodies of the very groups they claim to advocate for.

Haskell’s biggest concern is the degree to which student activists insist on inflicting their grievances on others.

“It’s absurd how these crybullies think society owes them something. They demand ‘safe spaces’ at universities, and yet I can’t even get my local city council to ban fireworks despite the fact they trigger my PTSD.”

He added: “Granted, I kind of stopped getting invited to Memorial Day and 4th of July cookouts a few years back, anyway.”

Haskell went on to express bewilderment at the pride some students seem to take in telegraphing their alleged victim status. “As if being a victim is a badge of honor,” he added dismissively, noting his diagnosis of PTSD for the sixth time in 10 minutes.

“These self-obsessed victim-mongers in academia should learn the world does not revolve around them. I did not spend nine months on Bagram just to hear them saying whatever they want in public.”

Ultimately, Haskell questions the underlying intent of most social justice messaging.

“I think these university wackos are mostly just narcissists,” claimed the man who dropped out of college when his economics professor allegedly failed to properly applaud his unique veteran perspective on supply and demand. “It’s all about ‘look at me, hey look how special I am!’ What are they trying to prove, anyway?”

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