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Army planners solve Korea tensions with proposal to move Seoul 300 miles south


SEOUL — American military planners in South Korea have developed a solution to avoid civilian casualties in the event of a war with North Korea, sources confirmed today.

“If this thing ever kicks off with North Korea, Seoul is gonna get slimed with all sorts of chem, hammered with artillery, and maybe even a nuke,” said Lt. Col. Jim Johnson, a planner with US Forces Korea. “No matter how long we looked at the problem we just couldn’t think of a way out of this mess.”

Then inspiration struck.

“I was on vacation on Jeju Island,” said Maj. Kent Strickland. “And I thought this place is perfect. It’s like three hundred miles away from North Korea. Way out of artillery range. If we just moved the city down here our problems would be solved.”

When it was pointed out that Seoul was a city of 10 million people that would be impossible to move, Strickland brushed it off: ”Man that’s just logistics,” he said. “Let the J4 figure that out.”

Logistics planners in the J4 section could not be reached for comment.

Sources say officers in the J5 Plans Section have already put together an information paper that lays out the concept for the USFK Commander, Gen. Vincent Brooks. Brooks has reportedly pitched the idea to the Chairman of the Joint chiefs and the White House, which reacted favorably.

The planners hope to quickly kick the problem over to the J3 Operations Section for implementation once the concept is just complete enough to be found infeasible, sources said.

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