RAQQA, Syria — A recent honor graduate of the Islamic State Suicide Bomber School of Excellence has publicly voiced concerns over the sexual experience of the 72 women awaiting him in the afterlife, sources confirmed today.
“I’ve never been with a woman before, so there’d be no sexual skill between all of us virgins,” said Amar Hussein, expressing fears about his planned first time with 72 female virgins. “I’d get to the afterlife and disappoint all of them forever.”
According to sources, Hussein asked his instructors if perhaps the virginity of his eternal harem was negotiable.
Mohamed Gadesh, who shares a barracks room with Hussein, is confident that whether the women are virgins or not, they will refuse to sleep with Hussein in Paradise. “He’s a desperate, confused, lonely teenager from Iraq who’s about to die a virgin,” Gadesh told reporters in a Skype call. “It doesn’t matter if they belong to him. They’d sooner get with an infidel than bang Hussein.”
According to reports, Hussein has approached religious leaders to clarify the fine print in the Holy Koran.
“Are they virgins because they’ve been saving themselves for a pipe-hitting martyr like me, or are they just prudes?” he asked. “I mean, the virgins could be a bunch of old women who’ve never taken off their burqas, and I’m not prepared to jihad myself for that.”
Despite some doubts, Hussein still looks forward to blowing his bomb load soon.
“Once we get the details straight, I should be set forever. With so many women, I’m really hoping the gals might, you know, try something kinky like touching their exposed ankles together in front of me.”
Gadesh countered that, if Hussein’s girls have any bisexual tendencies, they will “obviously turn lesbian before considering a threesome with a scrub like him.”
Most religious experts agree that, for the selfish and misguided act of suicide bombing, Hussein will most likely be one of the virgin victims of a more manly terrorist’s never-ending sweaty gangbang.
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