THE WHITE HOUSE — President Donald Trump has sought advice on his strategy to turn around the war in Afghanistan from several Marines guarding the door of the White House, sources confirmed today.
“I don’t know sir, maybe just like, bomb the shit out of them or something?” Cpl. Brian Wagner reportedly told the president after he was asked how to turn around the nearly-16-year-old war. White House aides said the president was receptive to the idea.
The Trump White House has for months debated plans for Afghanistan, with some favoring a small troop surge to break what is described as a stalemate, while others argue that Trump should completely remove American forces.
A small but vocal faction has also argued to privatize the war in Afghanistan, by using contractors provided by Erik Prince, an incredibly patriotic American motivated to help the Afghan people with no profit motive whatsoever.
Administration officials say the president has received conflicting advice from Marines he has spoken with outside the White House and on Marine One, the presidential helicopter.
Solutions offered by the Marines have ranged from plans to nuke Afghanistan from orbit just to be sure, to making the country a free-fire zone so “we can finally fuck some shit up, sir.”
Another guard advised Trump to “pull out of that thing faster than a Thai ladyboy,” a source said.
The president is expected to make a decision on an Afghan War strategy right after he finishes smoking a Pine cigarette being shared between himself and three lance corporals in the White House driveway.