SOMEWHERE ON I-95 SOUTH — The United States has threatened to pull this war over immediately if everyone in the backseat won’t quit asking to stop for an Afghanistan strategy break, sources confirmed today.
“I told you to create a cohesive inter-force strategy before we left. We’re not stopping,” the US said, while angrily glancing back in the rearview mirror.
According to sources, the US decided to go on a nice Sunday drive with the CIA and Special Forces kids on Oct. 7, 2001. But ever since hitting mile marker 2003 or so, the ride has been marred by setbacks, to include some near-misses with JDAM drivers, and an overwhelming chorus of requests from the backseat to stop at Green Beans Coffee or to take a break to create a winning strategy so the US could eventually exit the interstate and go back home.
“We literally just ate less than an hour ago,” the US said, according to sources. “And now you are asking for Green Beans Coffee and Burger King? I’m sick of this shit.”
It added: “And I swear to all that is holy if you ask me one more time to stop and get a strategy I’m dumping you off at the next rest area.”
The most recent request from the backseat was to stop and get a special operations raid at South of the Afghan-Pakistan Border, a noted tourist trap just off the federally-administered tribal highway. The US did not verbally respond, though it did start swinging its one free arm wildly into the backseat in an attempt to grab someone’s knee.
“The hell do you mean we just missed the exit for self-sustaining Afghan democracy?” the US said. “Do you know how long it’s gonna be before we can turn around?”