WASHINGTON, D.C., A.D. 3017 — A team of archeologists examining the ancient ruins of a temple known as “The Pentagon” have discovered fascinating remnants of a now-extinct society focused around worship of an all-powerful staff god who demanded sacrifices of updated “slides” and human labor at regular intervals.
“While the overall society of 2017 was fairly advanced, the ‘warrior class’ of 2017 was surprisingly superstitious,” said Dr. Gorgon Mapplewood, leader of archeological survey team. “Even minor occurrences that could have been addressed with the rudimentary technology available to the Pentagonians was addressed instead with ceremonies, ritual, and worship of the staff god.”
He added: “It can be hard to understand such a primitive culture, but in our Pentagon site expeditions, we’ve found a perfectly preserved cache of ‘hard copy back-ups of PowerPoint slides’ to illuminate our understanding of this primitive society. Fascinating.”
The Pentagonian staff society was based around the worship of the staff god, an elusive yet feared diety who demanded regular gifts and appeasements to prevent bad events from befalling its worshippers. The staff god favored gifts of fresh “staff shifts” where young fit men and women worked 12 hours at a time towards no perceivable goal, only to garner favor with the staff god, as it was believed the staff god smiled upon 24-hour operations.
“We were lucky enough to find a copy of their most sacred text, the ADP 5-0 The Operations Process, where the holy writ of the staff god was written,” Mapplewood said. “We have not been able to translate it fully, but our best scholars show it was a system intended to confuse and distract the staff god’s worshippers from real-world events, creating a monastery-like environment.”
“However, there appears to have been a schism with the Pentagonians, with some favoring ADRP 6-0: Mission Command, where a more generous, loving staff god appears.”
The most powerful clergy of the Pentagonians appears to be a rank of high priest known only as the hieroglyphic, “XO.”
The XO ritually presented the gifts of the staff at special ceremonies known as “bubs.” For a young member of the temple, being allowed at the bub ceremony was a signal of belonging within the congregation. Many worshippers of the staff god would present offerings to the XO in hopes of the great favor of the staff god shining upon them in a cleansing ordnance known as “face time.”
It was believed that if the staff god was not appeased, cancelled leave, wars, pestilence, and riots would break out, Mapplewood asserted. However, as the Pentagonians became fixated on keeping their followers inside and away from light, it became increasingly difficult for them to reproduce or recruit new members into their staff cult.
“Many of the rituals and ceremonies of the Pentagon, from their unique language to their vibrant ceremonial costumes can seem exotic to our modern eyes,” said Mapplewood. “We must study what they built,” he said, motioning to the ruins of the Pentagon, “but without romance, as we see that they lost it all.”