MILWAUKEE— Boatswain’s Mate 3rd Class Brad Jarest walked into Iron Arms Tattoo on Saturday and received a Semper Paratus tattoo on his right shoulder. The official motto of the Coast Guard, the phrase is Latin for “Always Ready.”
However, Jarest is not always ready for adult life, sources say, since he lacks the common sense and knowledge necessary to even make it through childhood.
“Upon graduation from boot camp, most of these kids aren’t ready for adult life, much less practicing law enforcement and saving people’s lives,” said Chief Jeff Moore, Station Lake Michigan’s executive officer, noting that Jarest is like a “man-child made out of jizz tissues and pending Captain’s Masts” and that he’d definitely fail if he were to tackle basic finances, a proper relationship, or simply handling a social situation that involved normal everyday conversation.
“He arrived with the life direction of a goldfish,” he added.
Moore told Duffel Blog that in terms of life practices, a very low percentage of basic training and specialty training graduates have the fundamental skills to be a functioning and responsible member of society.
He went on to say that, while Jarest may be able to complete basic life tasks like paying a few bills or obeying the laws of society, it’s more likely he’s “just getting by.”
“When you talk to him, it’s like trying to have a conversation with a 12-year-old inside a man body,” Coast Guard spokesman David Myers said. “He’s got the bank account of a bad gambler with spending habits of a trust fund baby, and his ability to make decisions regarding personal relationships makes him a coked up ‘striper-who-needs-health insurance’ magnet.”
“Our profession involves an immense amount responsibility and guys like Jarest coming in are nothing new but, Lord, I just feel like they’re getting more and more unprepared,” Myers continued. “Truthfully, the irony of his tattoo is just the tip of the iceberg; these walking SNAFUs are ticking time-bombs that are the reason Pop Tarts have instructions on the box.”
When asked for comment, Jarest told reporters that he was happy his mommy and daddy were so proud of him, adding that he recently purchased a Semper Paratus bumper sticker for the 2017 Ford Raptor he’s been eyeing at the local dealership.
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