THE PENTAGON — In response to the unexpected soiling of a lieutenant’s underwear, every member of the U.S. armed forces will now be required to wear diapers, Duffel Blog has learned.
The policy is to be implemented “as soon as humanly possible,” according to an unsigned memorandum distributed via email.
Army Lt. Kyle Nathery was apparently in the middle of a pull-up when he first understood that something was terribly amiss. Though he tried a maneuver he described as a “clench-and-retract,” it was soon evident that he had reached the point of no return, sources said.
Observers of the incident say they wanted to help, but couldn’t think of a way to do so without it being gross.
“I noticed he was walking funny,” said Pfc. Sandra Colt, a member of his platoon. “Kind of like he was trying to hold a pencil in between his ass cheeks — not that I know what that looks like or would ever do such a thing. But then he stopped really suddenly and made this small noise, like the tiniest cry for help I’d ever heard. My heart broke for the guy. I knew right away what had happened.”
“The bottom line — no pun intended — is that this occurrence is a stain — again, no pun intended — on the reputation of our nation’s military,” said Gen. Joseph Dunford, chairman of the Joint Chiefs. “It is vitally important that we take this one isolated incident and broadly apply it to everyone who wears a uniform.”
Some are critical of the regulation, saying that employing the safety measure against pants-shitting will only encourage carelessness and neglect.
“You’re treating the symptom, not the disease,” said Maj. Richard Brighton, an Air Force flight doctor. “The real problem here is weak sphincters. You get these guys’ assholes in shape, start making it a measurable score on the PT test, and you’ll see results. With this regulation, all you’re going to see is a bunch of shitty diapers.”
Meanwhile, Nathery has has been recovering at the base hospital from the 40th blanket party since the incident in question.
“In some ways I’m glad it happened,” he said. “Unintentional fecal discharge was a widespread problem in our armed forces. Even though it might hurt my career, I’m glad to have been a part in exposing the issue.”
Officers above the rank of O-4 will reportedly be exempt from the policy due to already being full of shit, sources said.