CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — That one guy in your unit with a “9/11 Never Forget” on the back of his Jeep is definitely black out drunk right now and can’t remember anything, sources confirmed today.
Sources indicate that the Marine in question was supposed to be at a memorial ceremony at dawn, but forgot to set his alarm since he was drinking the night before. He woke up several hours late and drove to the PX, where he was seen walking back to his car during colors while holding an American flag Budweiser 30-pack and two bags of flaming hot Cheetos.
The Marine has been posting drunkenly on Facebook since noon, his friends said.
Many of the posts have images of soldiers or Marines in Afghanistan with captions like “Snowflake millennials won’t remember why we fight, but I do. 1 share = 1 respect.” He of course will only remember posting them by the hundred or so notifications by guilt-ridden civilians and numerous veteran justice warriors.
The Marine also won’t remember going out onto the catwalks and talking trash to half of 3rd Platoon, before running away and crying like a bitch when they catch up to him. And his “falling down the stairs” and bruising his ribs will definitely escape his memory, a squad leader from 3rd Platoon said.
According to sources, the Marine attempting to finish the rest of his 30 pack and Cheetos is something no one will remember for hours. It won’t be until it comes back up in an orangey spew over the balcony railing onto the Officer of the Day below that several witnesses and the OOD logbook will know.
Everyone will be sure to never forget the Marine’s actions during his non-judicial punishment later this month, officer sources say.