Median age of MEPS doctors falls to 97, study finds

OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. — The median age of doctors working at Military Entrance Processing Facilities has dropped to 97 years old, a new study shows.

The drastic change in the median age took a hit after 126-year-old Levingham Collinstock died unexpectedly while demonstrating a duck-walk for new recruits.

The next oldest doctor is Ulysses Chesterfield Grintleigh, a 116-year-old working in Oklahoma City.

The last man hired under the World War I Veteran’s Preference program, Grintleigh has been a fixture of the Oklahoma City MEPS, where he can often be heard wheezing “turn down that there phonograph so I can hear!” at terrified adolescents.

Grintleigh was supposed to be medically retired four decades ago, although sources say he wrote such a moving letter to the medical board that his career was saved.

“He wrote, ‘these wrinkled hands have cupped the wrinkled balls of over two hundred generals,” recalled Ronnie Spaulding, a physician’s assistant working for Grintleigh. “I will continue to serve until death, like my pappy Archimedes Ruth-Charles Grintleigh. I will serve where I belong: staring down the stained backsides of ill-washed recruits at danger-close range. Do not strip me of this honor, good sirs.'”

“Nobody knew what to say to that,” Spaulding said. “So he’s been working ever since.”

“I’ll keep serving until I die. What the hell would I do if I retired?” Grintleigh told reporters. “I’m not eligible to join the American Legion for another five years!”