GLENMORE ROAD ARMORY, TROY, NEW YORK — Many have tried to unseat him as the reigning champion, but Spc. Maxwell Baker has managed to retain a world record time for “gay chicken” for the past several years, sources confirmed today.
Baker, an infantryman with the 42nd Infantry Division, currently holds a record of holding his bearing over two years, four months, one day, and five hours while demonstrating progressively more homosexual behavior against his fellow soldiers.
According to defense officials, “gay chicken” is a game often played by heterosexual infantrymen, which involves two players pretending to act gay in an effort to get one of them to back away or break their bearing.
Sources say Baker started the game against a private first class after he first arrived at his platoon, but the soldier gave up soon after Baker stared into his eyes and licked his lips. Instead of resuming normal behavior, however, Baker decided to continue the act with others in his platoon.
“I’m the queen of this stuff. I am the reigning champ and no one is ever going to beat me,” Baker told reporters, while putting up a poster of George Michael in his barracks room.
Over the years, Baker has honed his skills in the game with groundbreaking moves, such as touching a fellow soldier’s leg, commenting on their muscles, or in one case, asking his opponent if they’d like to learn the real meaning of the term “ground pounder.”
Sources offered other examples of his relentless dedication to the game, including his near-constant praise for the repeal of the military’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, and Baker’s recent engagement to a male stripper named Barney.
“His stamina in the game is just incredible,” said Sgt. Michael Strickland, his squad leader. “At one point he even had sex with a man in his barracks room to really prove his bonafides.”
Danger Close contributed reporting.