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Soldier avenges 9/11 by giving 100-dollar bills to corrupt Afghan contractor

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KABUL, Afghanistan — Sixteen years after Sept. 11, 2001, a soldier deployed to Afghanistan is avenging the devastating terrorist attacks of that day by handing out 100-dollar bills to corrupt contractors in his area of responsibility, sources confirmed today.

“It’s a really somber day here to reflect,” said Sgt. 1st Class Stephen Baker. “But we just need to remember that we are doing our part to take down these terrorist networks so they can’t do anything like that to us again, by handing out millions of dollars that will end up in the hands of the Taliban.”

In addition to doling out thousands of dollars every day to Afghans for construction projects such as schools kids won’t ever attend, barracks for Afghan Army troops they won’t live in, and $10,000 bridges over rivers that are made from sticks and mud, Baker also fights terrorism by handing out pens and pencils to children they can later use as shrapnel for improvised explosive devices.

“This is exactly what I signed up for,” Baker said. “My recruiter really dazzled me with stories of fighting an enemy I’d never see or understand. And then he told me about trying to enact democracy in foreign countries and I was totally sold.”

Baker first deployed to Afghanistan as a specialist in 2002, where he helped lose the trail of Osama bin Laden during Operation Anaconda. But over 11 subsequent deployments to Afghanistan, he’s noticed an incredible amount of progress.

“When we first got here, the Afghans used to just ask us to build everything for them,” Baker said. “But now, they have taken charge of their own country by asking us for money, so they can build it themselves.”

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