Trump orders US military to build giant wall in Afghanistan to keep terrorists out

WASHINGTON — The Trump administration’s long-awaited South Asia strategy includes plans to build a wall along the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan, sources confirmed today.

The wall is expected to closely mirror the one planned for the US border with Mexico, and will feature alligator moats, electrified fences, barbed wire, and autonomous robotic machine guns that automatically shoot trespassers on sight.

The new wall is a part of broader strategy aimed at securing Afghanistan’s borders from the activities of dozens of terrorists groups, defense officials say.

Among the strategy’s more controversial elements is a provision banning all Muslims from entering Afghanistan, and a clause requiring all foreign-born persons to be deported.

Trump is said to have championed the idea during a recent meeting with the National Security Council.

“They said all the Taliban were coming in from Pakistan. So I was like, that sounds like our problem. All our terrorists are coming from Mexico,” the president explained to reporters during a White House press briefing earlier today.

Allaying concerns about the cost of such a massive undertaking, the administration has purportedly promised to have Mexico foot the bill for the entire project. Sources confirm that Afghan officials have agreed to build the wall after assurances were given that the estimated $5.8 trillion needed for its construction will be directly deposited into various undisclosed offshore bank accounts.

“We’re going to build a massive wall. And Mexico is going to pay for it!” Trump tweeted soon after the plan was announced.

While still in its early stages, the border strategy is being hailed as a bold, fresh new way of doing business in a country plagued with terrorism. A number of senior officials at the Defense Department and the Department of Agriculture believe a border wall will not only stem the flow of terrorists into Afghanistan, but will also block migrant laborers from entering the country to work.

This is deemed as a critically important component of the plan, as migrant laborers are believed to primarily work on Afghan poppy fields. Narcotics derived from processed poppy are purported to be the primary source of income for all of Afghanistan’s terrorists.

As the Department of Agriculture’s Chief Scientist and resident climate expert, Sam Clovis observed, “Terrorism exists only because of poppy, and the only way to eradicate poppy is to build a wall.”