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Weirdo waits until after watch to masturbate


MANAMA, Bahrain — A sailor onboard the USS Truxton acted like a total weirdo by waiting until after watch to masturbate, sources confirmed today.

Operational Specialist 3rd Class Jack Winter finished standing topside rover at 2 a.m., turned in his firearms, and then masturbated in the berthing head.

His actions went against thousands of years of military and naval traditions, according to a senior defense official.

As topside rover, Winter would have been the first line of defense against any threats to the ship, and sailors consider being entrusted with the safety of hundreds of their shipmates the ideal time to hide and masturbate.

“I got up last night to piss,” Quartermaster 2nd Class Ron Boykins said. “I saw his feet shaking in the stall next to mine. Seriously? He had perfect opportunity. Fresh air, a sea breeze, and a great view of the ocean.”

He added: “If he looked at the rest of the ships, he would’ve seen a long line of masturbating topside rovers.”

Winter did not receive a point in the “Who can masturbate in the most spaces” contest because the berthing head is considered a free space. The reigning champion is Culinary Specialist Seaman Brad Meuller, who uses the officer staterooms when doing laundry.

Update: Duffel Blog stated that the topside rover is the only line of security, but this incorrect as long as the ship is in port. There are security boats crewed by masturbating sailors. Duffel Blog regrets the error.

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