NORFOLK, Va. — The U.S. Navy plans to reduce suicide in its ranks by monitoring sailors at all times, sources confirmed today.

“Not a moment will pass in a sailor’s life where they will not be under observation,” Vice Adm. Robert Burke, deputy chief of naval operations, told reporters. “Sailors will feel secure knowing there is always someone there keeping an eye on them. Whether you’re at work, at home, or asleep in your bed, rest assured the Navy is watching you.”

“Sailors are scared we will install security cameras in their homes,” Burke said. “But that is ridiculous. Instead, we’ll be using thermal cameras to see though their walls.”

The new plan, dubbed “America’s Navy: 100% On Watch” will be implemented next month. The Center For Naval Analyses determined it would be the most efficient way to address the problem of suicide without addressing any of the root causes, officials said.

“We have determined this is the only way to ensure our sailors are safe at all times,” said Burke. “It has many benefits beyond preventing suicide. Think about it. Showers are dangerous places, you could slip and fall and nobody would know. That is, unless there was a surveillance camera. Don’t worry, we are watching for your sake.”

The idea was tested among several focus groups, in which sailors with objections were told their opinions were wrong, Burke added. “This plan has a 100% approval rating across the Navy.”

SAN DIEGO — Marine Cpl. Alexander Robinson passed away early Saturday after a suitable donor could not be found for a pair-of-socks transplant, sources confirmed today.

Robinson first checked in to Naval Hospital Camp Pendleton Tuesday morning after suffering a severe ankle sprain during his unit’s annual combat fitness test, officials said. Doctors immediately placed him on an IV drip of dihydrogen monoxide and issued him a straw, as he was initially assessed as stable with strong hopes for a full recovery.

By early Wednesday evening, however, his condition worsened and he slipped into a coma. Intubating him with a steady supply of Motrin, doctors made the decision to go ahead with a pair-of-socks replacement and put him on the transplant list.

“It was a tough call,” said Navy Cmdr. Andrea Johnson, the on-call surgeon. “Being infantry, he is by default half brain-dead, and therefore technically doesn’t meet the criteria for a POS transplant. However, we were optimistic the procedure could save his life, and so we requested the new socks. The issue was time, and if a suitable replacement could be found.”

To buy time, Cmdr. Johnson ordered doctors to rub some dirt on Robinson, which seemed to be just what he needed before a potential donor was found. Unfortunately, a donor compatibility test revealed that the white PT socks were not a match for Robinson’s Fox River boot socks.

The Marine held on for more than 10 hours waiting for a donor, but eventually his injuries were too much, and he was pronounced dead just before 12:30 a.m. Saturday morning.

A Pentagon spokesman told reporters that the entire Department of Defense sends its thoughts and prayers to Robinson’s family and unit members. The spokesman also added that he would be posthumously demoted for unauthorized absence, failing to complete annual training, and malingering.

HEAVEN — The soul of Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) was tossed out of the Heaven Officer’s Club just hours after he entered the bar for angelic military officers, where witnesses say he was sliding shirtless across the bar top while shouting “carrier landings!” or as his fellow naval aviators simply described it, “just being John at happy hour,” Duffel Blog has learned.

McCain, 81, passed away over the weekend, though sources say his soul refused to slip the surly bonds like some mere mortal and instead allowed an A-4 Skyhawk to strap itself to him so he could tear-ass through the stratosphere, doing aileron rolls as he busted the aircraft’s service ceiling by some 4o or 5o thousand feet before catching a three-wire on the flight deck of Heaven.

“It turns out Heaven is actually pretty boring,” said Adm. Charles Larson, McCain’s Naval Academy classmate and flight school roommate who preceded him in death by four years. “I’ve been waiting for John to get here since 2014. But I should’ve known five minutes after that Restless Wave shows up, he jumps the Pearly Gates and we’re both on restriction.”

Larson was reportedly waiting for McCain outside Heaven’s door with McCain’s old convertible Corvette, but true to form, instead of quietly crossing the quarterdeck, McCain had to shoot the shit with the officer of the deck for 10 minutes, before slipping him a case of beer, parking his Corvette in St. Peter’s reserved spot, and asking, “Where’s the booze, Chuck?”

“Time, tide, and formation wait for no man, but Dad made an exception for John,” said Jesus, who was seen waiting for McCain in the O-club while holding a “Beat Army” sign and an “I Love Jet Noise” bumper sticker.

THE PENTAGON — As part of a push to entice more young, strapping men to the Navy, the service announced a new campaign to increase the utilization of phallic imagery throughout the service, sources confirmed today.

The Navy plans to double-down on efforts to place penis-shaped objects in recruitment materials and in naval workplaces around the world, officials said.

“The Navy has a storied tradition of appealing to the virility, fantasies of sexual prowess, and latent homosexuality of young men across the country to draw them into our service and maintain morale and gaiety within,” said Adm. John Richardson, Chief of Naval Operations.

“This new campaign to bombard sailors with subtle and not-so-subtle images of male genitalia will continue to stoke homoerotic passions and build upon our longstanding traditions.”

Top Naval brass realized a fundamental longing within the Navy was going unfulfilled following an incident last year in which a Navy pilot drew a penis in the sky.

“Sailors have a primal drive to surround themselves with images of penises,” said Peter Longwood, a researcher with the Navy Institute for Phallic Imagery. “When that need is unmet, there is risk of sexual tension boiling over into overt acts of intrusive, unbridled genital expression.”

Longwood has been leading a team of researchers in the initiative seeking to maximize the efficiency of the campaign.

“While images evoking big floppy trouser snakes don’t seem to be as effective in improving morale as images of steel-hard pork swords,” said Longwood, “the most important factor appears to be that the phallus be an unwieldy gargantuan macro-penis in size.”

Navy brass hopes that the effort will pay off in the form of new recruits and reenlistments engorging the ranks, which they describe as waves and waves of young, sweaty bodies ready to engage in the physical demands of hot, sultry service to the nation.

“We aim to increase the Navy’s influence across the girth of the globe,” said Richardson. “We will not rest dreamily until we have covered all corners of the earth with our seamen.”

W.T. Door contributed to this report.

WASHINGTON — President Trump has signed an executive order that would put Chik-fil-A restaurants on all U.S. military bases, sources confirmed today.

The order, which comes on the heels of a recent petition for Chik-fil-A to bring its restaurants to military bases, states that the franchise would “bring real American service and chicken to those who really serve America and aren’t chickens.”

“Real Americans eat real American food, and real Americans who serve deserve real American service,” Trump said after signing the order in the Oval Office, where he was surrounded by service-members, poultry lobbyists, and a Holstein cow holding a sign that said, “eat more chikin.”

The move has garnered widespread support from troops, although it was sharply criticized by LGBTQ groups and others who refuse to put politics aside and enjoy the best goddamn chicken sandwich ever made.

“Chik-fil-A represents a creepy invasion of our democracy that must be stopped,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.). “Any establishment that closes its doors in recognition of their religion is anathema to American values,” he added during an interview Saturday outside a shuttered New York deli, noting the restaurant chain’s practice of closing on Sundays.

“Furthermore, I will ensure our brave troops at stations like West Point and Fort Drum are not subject to the oppressive hate crimes of a reasonably priced fast-food restaurant that serves delicious quality food the whole family can enjoy.”

Still, the restaurant hailed Trump’s decision, which would give it access to bases in the continental U.S. and abroad. A spokesman said Chik-fil-A planned to open its restaurants first at major Air Force, Navy, and Army bases, while adding that if there was any left over, it might open a hand-me-down restaurant at one or two of the major Marine Corps bases.

“Just definitely not at 29 Palms,” the spokesman said.

WASHINGTON — The Chief of Naval Operations today published a long-awaited instruction clarifying the difference between rumor intelligence, scuttlebutt and gouge.

OPNAV Instruction 9710894.666, Understanding and Disseminating RUMINT, Scuttlebutt and Gouge, was released to wide acclaim by previously-confused seamen and uncomprehending junior officers. The instruction is designed to improve performance and morale by helping the Navy develop a Common Gouge Picture, instead of its current standard of allowing E-4s and O-2s fleet-wide to dictate what disconnected crap the CNO is reading in his office every morning.  

According to the instruction, RUMINT is “single-source information strictly intended for the purpose of sowing discontent, or for allowing that one seaman to act like she’s totally in the know.”

As an example, the instruction cites RUMINT spread by a yeoman in Yemen that a frigate would be stationed at the North Pole since all the ice melted there. This caused well-meaning sailors worldwide to request transfers in order to help save drowning polar bears plus take nude selfies at the top of the world.

Scuttlebutt, on the other hand, is now codified as “RUMINT that has been restated by three or more sailors, one of whom must be at least a petty officer first class.” The recent scuttlebutt that the 2019 JADE HELM exercise would overthrow the Trump administration is considered an excellent example, while also serving as an example of “gouge,” officials said.

Gouge, the instruction says, is considered to be “scuttlebutt that is fact, such as news that the Pacific Fleet was known to be in trouble as early as 2015. In order to become gouge, scuttlebutt must be restated by at least one chief petty officer, three lieutenant commanders, and one captain who isn’t connected to the Fat Leonard scandal and who never crashed a ship in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

With this instruction, sailors now know that the RUMINT about sending SEALs to fight California forest fires with overwhelming firepower is false. They also know that the scuttlebutt about sailors being allowed to wear man-buns is true. And finally, everyone in the nation’s sea service has the gouge about the Pacific Fleet, so try not to get transferred there for your own safety.

At press time, the Navy’s Office of Information said it would soon publish an instruction clarifying the difference between a captain’s mast, an old-school keelhauling, and being assigned to Norfolk, Va.

THE PENTAGON — Coffee served on U.S. military bases worldwide will finally include caffeine beginning in January of 2019, according to Gen. Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

“We appreciate those of you who brought to our attention that coffee isn’t even really expensive and that the least we could do is serve drinkable coffee since we expect so many of you to wake up every day before dawn,” Dunford said in an address at the Pentagon. “Things move slowly in enormous bureaucracies, especially when workers are barely able to keep their eyes open. So, bear with us as we roll out these changes over the coming months.”

He added: “We’ve been proud to serve the most god-awful coffee imaginable — and I really mean that, by the way. Chow hall coffee is basically bong water except instead of pot, it’s strained through moldy cardboard. And even then, it was mostly water with just the faintest cardboard color.”

The change came following a petition by soldiers under the so-called #HurryUpAndCaffeinate movement, which attracted hundreds of thousands of supporters in recent months. The initiative did not just attract current active-duty members, however. A number of veterans of the Vietnam War also signed and supported the petition, organizers said.

“When I was in, you just popped some speed, smoked a little grass, and got on with your day of ignoring orders,” said Vince Peel, who fought as a Marine near Da Lat in 1968. “These kids today, they’re getting piss-tested all the time, they can’t even drink alcohol in theater. I say, give them some damn coffee already.”

Jerome White, who was stationed near Saigon as a radio operator, agreed that drinkable coffee should be a bare minimum requirement in military chow halls.

“I would have about lost my mind if those Chinooks weren’t regularly dropping off pallets of beer,” he said of his experience overseas. “And I didn’t even see combat! The lifestyle just wears you down. Some asshole chewing you out over an untucked bootlace. Up every day at 04. Group PT. Soldiers need caffeine to deal with this kind of environment.”

Still, some criticized the move as another example of the military becoming more “politically correct.”

“We have super soakers and everything to keep privates awake in class, so this kind of sucks, if you ask me,” said Staff Sgt. Bill Elm, a tank commander at Fort Hood, Texas. “The only fun thing about all these classes is to lull privates into a stupor so we can blast them with water.”

“Plus, all the NCOs just make a quick run to 7-Eleven for coffee, anyway,” he added. “No one drinks that hot piss they serve in the chow hall.”

“What these activists don’t understand,” said one Navy Culinary Specialist who spoke under condition of anonymity to avoid reprisal. “Is that for anyone to have good food in the military means that cooks have to a) know what good food tastes like, and b) take any pride at all in our work. The reality is, we absolutely refuse to try. You will never get good food or coffee from us, ever.”

TYBEE ISLAND, Ga. — Tens of thousands of civilian and military leaders took part in a three-day Fraud and Waste Prevention Summit held off the Georgia coast over the weekend for $50 million, sources confirmed today.

The event, held at Tybee Island’s Beach Ballroom and Wedding Chapel, featured a number of panel discussions and speeches for attendees to learn how best to save the government money while enjoying massage sessions and a fully-stocked bar. And in a nod to Defense Secretary Jim Mattis insistence on bureaucrats not taking a “cavalier” attitude toward taxpayer dollars, the event’s planners capped the alcohol budget at $20 million, officials said.

The Pentagon takes the prevention of fraud, waste, and abuse very seriously, according to officials. When such problems are reported to upper management, for example, officials say the matter is typically fixed within a matter of days through a complex process of reprisal and termination of the person giving the report.

“We get rid of these nosy problem makers as soon as they make themselves known,” said Army Col. Robert Manning, a Pentagon spokesman.

Besides classroom instruction and networking opportunities, attendees also enjoyed live entertainment from the band Imagine Dragons, which offered the Pentagon a discounted military rate for the show of $12.2 million. Unfortunately, due to the band signing a no-bid contract to perform, its equipment and stage set-up, roadies, and need for a new trailer at the venue increased the cost by another $7.7 million, officials said.

Still, attendees raved about the success of the summit and all that they learned from it.

“What an incredible weekend of partying, tanning, beach days, beer, and the beautiful ocean,” said Patrick Smith, a civilian budget analyst. “Oh, and the uh, panels were, uh, really fantastic.”