DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Jason Vorhees gives your Friday the 13th safety brief

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Ch Chi Chi

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Gents, this is Friday the 13th, so here are some special safety considerations while celebrating this hallowed night.

First, never go anywhere alone. Take your battle buddy everywhere. Being alone will get you murdered. By me.

And no, before you even ask, 18-year-old females don’t count as battle buddies.

Which brings me to my next point: If you can’t bother to do the deed behind a locked door, you’re asking for trouble. And by trouble, I mean I will murder you.

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You should also remember to carry a condom if you end up getting lucky with a lady. It’s better to practice safe sex to avoid disease or unwanted pregnancy, before I eventually murder you.

Next, stay away from all sharp objects, farm equipment, or anything at all that I can use to murder you in myriad creative ways.

If you hear a noise in the basement or a rustling in the bushes, run. And I don’t mean like you’re running a PFT. You should probably run like you just heard colors start, or perhaps, imagine you are being chased by a masked man wielding an ax, fully intent on murdering you.

Last point: Don’t drink and drive. We want our roads and highways to be safe and free from impaired drivers, and it’s important that you get back home or to your campsite out at the lake this weekend safe and sound, so that I can murder you.

Chi Chi Chi

Ah Ah Ah

Ch Chi Chi

Ah Ah Ah