General hopes #MeToo post scores points with hot lieutenant near his office

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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — After millions flocked to social media to spread awareness of sexual harassment and assault with the hashtag #MeToo, Gen. Jacob Sandberg of the 82nd Airborne saw an opportunity to add to the conversation and maybe spark a mentoring relationship with the sexy new lieutenant in the G2 intelligence section.

“I really feel for women who are sexually assaulted by unattractive, weak men,” Sandberg posted on his personal Facebook page. “To make it worse, they’re often not rewarded with promotions or favors. Disgusting. #MeToo”

To create a circle of trust and protection, Sandberg coerces young, beautiful officers and the wives of his sergeants to accept his friend requests on social media, sources said. In an effort to keep the attention on other victims and appear humble, Sandberg related his own sexual assault story to private sources, who were mostly friends of “that little vixen” at the G2.

“On a trip to D.C., I heard that my counterpart would be a woman, so I booked adjoining rooms in the hotel to make sure nobody else would take advantage of her,” Sandberg said.

“When she arrived, I wasn’t attracted to her at all. That night, when I was drunk, she insisted that I come to her room. I did, and afterward completely regretted letting her sexually assault me like that.”

The G2 staff member of Sandberg’s interest, 1st Lt. Lindsay Cole, graduated from MIT and has a blackbelt in Judo.

“I have never experienced some of the dark things that others have mentioned, but I stand with you and demand greater respect for all,” Cole wrote on Facebook. “If we unite and resist these unwanted advances, we can all live safer, happier lives as we are passed up for career opportunities and promotions. #MeToo”


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