Marine Lance Corporal arrested for lancing corporal at renaissance fair

CASTLE OF MUSKOGEE, Ohio — Unconfirmed reports are circulating of one dead and one injured at an Ohio renaissance fair after a Marine lance corporal lanced a corporal and one other bystander, sources confirmed today.

Lance Cpl. Lance Lenz, 23, claims that he received conflicting orders from his superiors, which resulted in him picking up a jousting lance from the arena sidelines and charging into Cpl. Lantz, lancing him through the chest and killing him instantly. One other patron, later identified as Lois Lands, was sent to the hospital in critical condition.

“I didn’t think they’d be sharp,” Lenz said of the lances. “I mean, I always thought they were fake, the way these guys hurl them at each other. I guess they’re wearing armor though, so they had that going for them.”

The conflicting orders in question came from Col. Kernel, who was also attending the renaissance fair in an effort to allow his troops to relax in between deployments.

“I was just calling Lantz’s name,” Kernal said. “But I burped in the middle it from this hearty tankard of ale I’d been drinking. So I guess instead of coming out as ‘Lance Corporal Lantz’ it came out as ‘lance, Corporal Lantz!’ My troops are very good with obeying orders, so it’s not that surprising that someone lanced Corporal Lantz.”

Lantz’s getting lanced was a surprise to everyone, particularly the lancer whose lance had been stolen to do the deed. Authorities are investigating whether the lancer, Lonnie Lanz, a long time member of the performance, was negligent in leaving his lance loose.

When asked why — if it was just a misunderstanding of the order — Lenz also lanced Lands, a bystander, Lenz was bashful.

“I did such a good job lancing Lantz,” Lenz said. “I thought I could get another one in.”


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