THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis has vowed to kill the next person who refers to him by the nickname of “Mad Dog,” sources confirmed today.
After the secretary’s press officer briefed him on the latest news outlet to refer to him by the nickname — which he claims a reporter just made up years ago — he asked for the name of the next “son of a bitch” who utters it so that he can be disemboweled with his favorite E-tool, defense officials said.
“Mad Dog? I hate that name. I hate it. You hear?” Mattis said, according to a source briefed on the conversation. “Nobody calls me ‘Mad Dog,’ especially not some duded-up, egg-suckin’ gutter trash.”
A senior defense official told reporters that Mattis should be referred to as Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, or by his radio callsign “Chaos,” an acronym that was bestowed on him by his fellow officers in the 7th Marine Regiment that means “Colonel Has Another Outstanding Solution.”
The official added that Mattis could also be referred to as The Death Star.
At press time, President Donald Trump was asking the White House switchboard to connect him with “Mad Dog over at the Pentagon.”