The highly anticipated new Meals-Ready-to-Eat flavor will be a literal bag of human shit, the Defense Logistics Agency confirmed today.
While in the past the Department of Defense has poured millions of dollars into developing recipes like “Chili and Macaroni” and “Maple Sausage,” this time Army officials decided to give “those ungrateful troops a meal they deserve.”
“They say ‘you are what you eat,’ so we decided to cut the crap, so to speak, and give these shitbags bags of shit, ” said MRE flavor engineer Diane Hopkins. “I really don’t care anymore.”
The new flavor, which comes in solid, liquid, and halal varieties, has received mixed reviews from service members in a recent survey. Among soldiers, it is near unanimously hated, and while no one in the Navy or Air Force knows what an MRE is, it has been fairly popular among Marines.
“Honestly, it’s better than Veggie Omelet,” said Cpl. Dan Nowak. And I can conveniently fit a handful of it in my IFAK in case I get hungry on patrol.”
Other potential add-ons being considered are a powdered urine drink mix and a box of nail clippings.
“You don’t like it, order a fucking pizza,” said Hopkins.