BANGOR, Maine — Local Army National Guardsman Luke Reid vet-splained how he would have “smoked” the Las Vegas shooter on social media this morning, sources confirmed.
“Brother sheepdogs, my heart goes out to the country in this time of nead [sic],” Reid, an E-4 approaching mandatory retirement age, wrote on Facebook. “But it is time for a REAL man to give REAL talk about how I could have dropped that shitbag.”
Reid, whose platoon nickname is Lee Harvey Oswald, has never hit a single target during rifle qualification in 27 years, defense officials said. They added that he signs over his drill checks to his first sergeant in exchange for a passing score.
“My highly trained ears would have picked out the shooter’s location instantly,” Reid continued. “500 yard shot with my trusty Taurus pistol, too easy! I would’ve turned my knob down a bunch (or maybe up? I can’t remember now, but my adrenaline and instincts would tell me what to do in the moment) and BAM! Pink mist, like Jake Gyllenhaal said.”
Sources say Reid’s social media accounts have been flagged by his command multiple times before, to include posts on how he would have taken out Soviet tanks in the Korean War, or how he would have “de-escalated those Kent State commies with Level 2 Combatives skills.”
Army officials have promised to investigate Reid’s social media ramblings.
“It is Army policy to swiftly and severely deal with any misuse of social media that could hurt the Army’s image,” Army spokesman Marcus Wright said. “Very swiftly.”