WASHINGTON — A recent Department of Defense study on infantry units revealed that gender-integrated units smelled 237% better than non-integrated units.
“We set out to measure combat effectiveness of course, but the smell issue quickly took precedence as our female survey administrators noticed how much better it smelled in the integrated unit workspaces,” said Dr. Anthony Jenkins, study coordinator.
“The non-integrated units smelled like ass, BO, feet and beer,” said researcher Sienna Smith. “At the integrated sites, however, it smelled like a combination of Old Spice, Axe and wintergreen mouthwash, with a curious hint of Twilight Woods and Japanese Cherry Blossom body wash.”
Male unit members denied any changes in habits that could have led to the differences, though one was seen kicking a bottle of body spray under his rack as the research team inspected living spaces.
“Nah man, I mean Ma’am, I ain’t changin’ my style just cause we got girls around now. It’s probably all their scented lotions and soap and junk that you smell,” said Cpl. Juan Suarez.
“Yeah, they’re always leavin’ that Moonlight Path shower gel and Warm Vanilla Sugar scrub all over the unisex head, but I have NOT used it,” said his rackmate, Cpl. Steven Walsh, whose skin had a curious soft glow.
As researchers discussed their findings with the command staff of the final battalion that was analyzed, puzzling over the difference in scent between the units, the battalion sergeant major rolled his eyes.
“It’s obviously because we have girls here now. All the young men are trying to impress the four female Marines we have, so they’re actually showering voluntarily now without me ordering them, and I had to have our washing machines serviced the other day because of overuse,” said Sgt. Maj. Lee Brady.
As the research team left the building, a female Marine could be heard yelling from the locker room, “Who took my fucking shower gel?”
Duffel Blog writer Lee Ho Fuk contributed to this article.