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86% of active-duty Marines watching porn right now, study finds

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QUANTICO, Va. — A new study shows that the vast majority of active-duty Marines are watching porn at this moment, Duffel Blog has learned.

The Manhattan Institute conducted the anonymous survey and included Marines of all ranks and occupational specialties. According to the results, most Marines spend the majority of any given day “enjoying unrealistic, voluptuous women” vicariously in their barracks room.

Marines deployed to Central Command’s area of operations were at least 15 times more likely to be “drooling over cell phones and laptops,” the study added.

The results appear to be gender neutral, as female Marines are just as likely to participate as their male counterparts.

“These results don’t surprise me,” said Navy Secretary Richard Spencer. “Adult films are an integral part of amphibious warfare, as is equality. Our lady Devil Dogs can ogle aesthetic male bodies just as easily as they can stack them!”

The remaining 14% of Marines are said to be either stuck in a staff meeting and unable to look at their phones or are simply not conscious.

“I’d normally be surfing YouPorn right now, but I’m acting platoon sergeant this week,” Cpl. Joey Valdez told Duffel Blog. “So for now, I’m stuck with just mental inspiration and memories.”

In an unrelated story, the Department of Veterans Affairs has reported a surprising uptick in disability claims related to carpal tunnel.

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