Trump: As I watch this soldier’s casket being lowered, I can’t help but notice his wife is now single

The following is a transcript of President Donald Trump’s remarks during a recent visit to Arlington National Cemetery during a military funeral.

Excuse me Ma’am, but are you the wife of the fallen? On behalf of a grateful nation I would like to present you with this folded flag as a token of appreciation for your late husband’s service. I’m know this isn’t easy, and there is no way to replace your loss.

Also, just out of curiosity, you’re single now, right?

Wait, wait, that came out all wrong. What I mean is, you have to be strong for yourself and your children, and I know that won’t be easy without a man around. Or woman, I guess… I really don’t know your personal preferences, although that would be kinda hot.

What I do know is that death has many questions and few answers, like who is going to warm your bed at night, or caress your back when you’re feeling down? I know I would do those things just as well as your husband, hypothetically speaking.

Your husband, Sergeant… uh… Sergeant [unintelligible] touched a lot of lives, the same way I’m touching your shoulders. I salute his sacrifice by holding my hand over my heart. Or I can hold my hand over yours. Whatever’s easier.

He died fighting for the cause of freedom. A freedom that gives us rights, like the right to express our sensuality in ways our enemies might condemn, but I say that’s what makes us great as a nation.

But just as there is a time to fight, there is a time to love. His soldiers were telling me if there was one thing he loved in this world, besides being in the Army, it was you. He apparently had pictures of you all over the barracks, and from this angle I can totally see why.

I would have gone to a dozen combat zones if I got to come home to a body like that every time.

Know that your family will always be surrounded by the much larger family of the Army, and we always take care of our own. Your husband was like a brother to me, as all soldiers consider each other brothers and sisters. By the way, in the Old Testament it was pretty common for widows to marry their husband’s brothers, so just throwing that out there.

I know he may not be here in body, but he is here in spirit. But spirits can’t pay your mortgage and I can.

Well, could I walk you back to your car? This cemetery can be awfully confusing if you’ve never — oh, you have a brother buried here too. Geez, one more IED strike and you could start holding the family reunion out here.

I’m sorry, that was tasteless.


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