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Army to rename slave cables to freedom cables

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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The US Army will rename the cables used for most wheeled and tracked vehicle platforms to jumpstart dead batteries from slave cables to freedom cables, sources confirmed today.

“It came to the attention of the Chief of Staff that the name slave cable was incredibly insensitive to our African-American Soldiers, some of whom may trace their family history back to the time of slavery,” Sgt. Maj. of the Army Daniel A. Dailey said in a statement.

The naming issue was first raised by Pvt. Josiah Brown earlier this year, after he was ordered to retrieve slave cables from the motor pool.

“Why do you call them slave cables?” he reportedly asked Staff Sgt. Simon Legree, senior mechanic. “Is it because they’re black?”

Senior Army leaders said his staff sergeant and other mechanics burst out into laughter at the question, prompting Brown to file an inspector general complaint.

In response, the Army assigned an ROTC Cadet to investigate the matter.

“The decision to rename was easy,” Dailey told reporters. “The hard part was choosing between emancipation cables, warrior cables, valued-employee cables, and battery lives matter, or BLM for short. In the end we settled on freedom cables as the option least likely to offend anyone.”

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