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Army to re-design soldiers’ uniforms on annual basis

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PENTAGON — After weighing overwhelming feedback from active-duty soldiers opposed to costly uniform changes, the US Army has decided to redesign its current uniform on an annual basis, sources confirmed today.

“We have a serious problem with stolen valor, and this will prevent fakers from keeping up with changing uniforms,” Daniel A. Dailey, Sergeant Major of the Army, told reporters. “There are other reasons too, but really, this is the Army, and we like to say we support our soldiers while costing them money and making their lives miserable as much as we can.”

Since 9/11, the Army has gone through five combat uniforms: The Battle Dress Uniform, Desert Camouflage Uniform, Army Combat Uniform, Operational Combat Pattern uniform, Multicams, and now the Scorpion W2 pattern. But officials are hoping to bring that number up into the teens within the next few years.

“We can’t let the Navy have all the fun with all these different uniforms,” Dailey said. “That’s not to mention the physical fitness uniforms and the transition of our dress uniforms, which we’re looking to change out again.”

When asked about the cost to soldiers, it was made clear that they’ll “figure it out.”

Army officials were also asked about whether or not the Army would again wear black Berets.

“Maybe. Maybe they’ll all be green instead…” Dailey said, grinning.

“A nice little bonus is the surplus stores outside of all military installations should get a solid uptick in business. We’re all one big family,” he added. “We’re trying to figure out how to give a boost to the strip club economies around the country, which have been in decline since the 80s. We’re thinking of sneaking coupons into the DFACs. Which should also increase DFAC attendance. Win, win.”

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