SAN DIEGO — Naval officer and self-described “warrior-scholar” Lt. Mark Chadwick was saved from drowning by his massively inflated ego during a training exercise earlier this week, sources confirmed.
Bystanders claim that after Chadwick fell overboard he immediately condescended not only to the rescue team but also to the water itself, and that he certainly would have drowned had he not begun touting his credentials so much that his arrogance literally kept him afloat.
“I was top of my class at the Academy, and lettered in track and sprint football,” said Chadwick in an interview, smugly knocking his class ring on the table while gesturing to the various items in his challenge coin collection. “So I wasn’t worried about some pathetic little water that probably went to community college.”
Chadwick admits it was not only his ego that saved him, but also his inspired leadership and flawless professional competence in an “unequaled Naval career comparable to that of Nimitz.”
“I’m really proud and lucky to have him as my section leader,” said Petty Officer Steven West, who witnessed the event. “His ego might be the only thing keeping this ship afloat.”
In addition to being “a man of superb tact and punctiliousness,” Chadwick is also “the spear by which the nation’s enemies shall perish,” as he later remarked during a casual conversation with a stranger in line at Starbuck’s.
“I’m not saying I’m Horatio Nelson or anything,” he added. “But I’m Horatio Nelson.”