OKINAWA, Japan — Pandemonium and debauchery has descended upon military personnel confined to their barracks in Okinawa, sources confirmed today.
Bits and pieces of information is still coming in, but we have confirmed reports of murder, cannibalism, and the refinement of moonshine. The news comes just days after all US forces were placed on lockdown after a drunk driving incident.
Sources initially said this seemed to be only a Marine thing, but it was later learned that all services participated.
“It turned into Lord of the Flies real quick,” one source said. “The hardest part was getting an isolated fire started in the barracks without burning the whole place down.”
Defense officials said that factions formed quickly, much like the rats during mental health experiments.
“We ate the Coast Guard folks first,” one faction leader told the Duffel Blog, on condition of anonymity. Officials said there were less than a dozen Coast Guard personnel found on the island; many cowered along with Navy sailors, who sort of just rocked back in forth in the corners of the closets while Marines and Army Soldiers flourished amidst the chaos.
“Then we posted everything to SnapChat, which is why I’m guessing you guys found out about it,” the leader added.
When asked about getting caught, one faction leader said he was unafraid, and had plans to wait out the lockdown.
“We cured the last two Air Force guys, so we have enough meat for the winter,” he said.
Another Marine recounted one sailor crying before becoming one of the victims. According to the Marine, the sailor’s last words were, “The loss of innocence! Our hearts are all dark. Wah, wah, wah, blah blah blah.”
The Marine added that they have MREs stocked up, just in case things get really bad and they run out of people to eat.
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