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Marine off duty has no friends

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CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Cpl. Tony Bergman has no friends, even while he is not on duty, Duffel Blog has learned.

The 24-year-old infantry mortarman has been spotted alone in the barracks every weekend for three consecutive years, according to sources. Several of his peers claim they even avoid speaking to Bergman after Wednesday afternoon “just in case he tries to make plans for the weekend.”

Bergman’s leadership has tried to ignore the issue, hoping it would resolve itself.

“I’m his platoon sergeant, not his mom,” said Staff Sgt. Billy Rollins. “But then I found out he was offering to buy the underage Marines booze just so they’d hang out with him. I can’t have him infecting the junior Marines with his loser germs.”

Bergman was even formally reprimanded for ‘having an imaginary friend’ while on barracks duty, according to sources.

“Being a lonely loser doesn’t mean you get to break the rules,” the officer of the day was overheard saying. “A Marine on duty has no friends. Tell this invisible douchebag to get out of my sight and rove your damn post.”

“It’s a real sad situation,” said Cpl. Lyle Fishe. “I’ve been his roommate for six months now and I can tell you there’s a reason he has no friends. Actually there are dozens of reasons, but the biggest one is he is just totally unlikeable.”

At press time, Bergman was reportedly wondering around the barracks in a Tap Out t-shirt asking every passerby for “any source of nicotine you got.”

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