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Salad bar at base dining facility now only consists of single hard-boiled egg

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FAIRFIELD, Calif. — Sources at the Travis Air Force Base dining facility say the salad bar now consists of only one chopped hard-boiled egg, sources confirmed today.

“There was a couple of bacon bits left, a smidgen of black olives, and three wilted pieces of spinach,” a cook reportedly said in a gritty but sad voice as he took another drag from this cigarette. “Now it seems like there’s nothing but a heaping pile of chopped hard-boiled egg with the yellow center still splayed all over the protein rich whites.”

Before this most recent incident, the facility was doing rather well, having recently adding smoked salmon and dried cranberries to the line-up, according to food service officer Fred Kane.

However, there are no witnesses to this supposed gain in exciting foods other than hearsay and speculation. “Oh we had it,” Kane said. “But then, you know, people eat things and then we don’t put new food out. What do you think this is? Sizzler?”

Defense officials say the base contracts with Labatt Food Service for the cooking and other food services.

“You hear the word ‘organic’ tossed around a lot,” Kane added, before going on to talk about the “quality” of the “food.”

“But I don’t know what that means and I’m mostly sure the hard-boiled eggs were from real chickens, I think. You choose what you want to believe.”

At press time, sources said that staff had replaced the Jell-O at the end of the salad bar with a more yellow tinted-looking Jell-O, further bringing into question as to why Jell-O is at the salad bar in the first place.

Air Force

Fans excited for final season of Afghanistan

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BAGRAM, Afghanistan — Fans of Afghanistan, already America’s longest running drama, are excited for the premier of the final season of the conflict, whenever that may be.

A media darling at launch, Afghanistan has suffered from low viewership since the first season but remains a powerhouse moneymaker with an annual budget of almost $45 billion. Producers initially promised large, exciting battles and decisive story lines but thus far have had issues delivering consistently. Fans of the show place the blame for many of those issues on producers insisting the show split air time with spinoff drama Iraq.

Despite the small TV audience tuning in, a large number of Americans (about 14,000 at present) physically attend the conflict every year hoping to take part in events as they unfold.

However, many of these participants express discontent over the direction the show has taken and feel the program has been dragging for the last decade or so.

“I was skeptical at first because there had been a Russian drama about Afghanistan, but in the first few seasons, this felt very different. And when they surprised everyone by killing off Bin Laden in season 10, that was amazing,” said Capt Mike Watt, currently deployed to Sharana. “But l feel like lately it’s been the same story line every season. Just lazy writing all around.”

A quick audit of recent years supports Watt’s argument. Plot devices like COIN, blue on green insider attacks, and meeting with local leaders that end up accomplishing nothing have become repetitive. Despite these issues, there remain a strikingly large number of subplots and unanswered questions. So many in fact, that writers and executive producers have expressed that they can’t imagine wrapping this up even if they have 10 plus more seasons.

Regardless, fans remain excited for the final season whenever that may be. An online poll among attendees on who will end up on top received hundreds of thousands of votes and came back with a landslide victory for write in candidate “I don’t give a fuuuuuuck.”

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Service chiefs really tired of this Congressional committee’s crap

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The military’s service chiefs have been tired, but never tired like this. (Source: National Guard Bureau)

WASHINGTON — The Defense Department’s service chiefs are massively weary of this stupid Congressional committee hearing, sources confirmed today.

Although the hearing on force readiness in the mid-term began moments ago, it has “nose-dived faster than Congressman Schiff’s reputation,” according to a military legislative affairs officer. 

“I put on a service dress uniform for this?” Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David L. Goldfein asked his peers, apparently unaware he was wearing a hot microphone.

The Committee chairwoman — no one knows her name because she did nothing notable before Democrats took control of the House —asked Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark A. Milley for his assessment of Navy readiness.

Milley appeared confused by a question on a separate service and paused before saying, “I would like to respond by stating that the readiness of Congress to hold this hearing is a complete shit-show, ma’am.”

Rep. Slay Z. Lewks (D – possibly Queens but she doesn’t know) followed with a freshwoman attempt at putting the hearing back on track by asking about mold in military housing. The chairwoman informed Lewks the topic was not related to force readiness.

“Then what about mold readiness in the mid-term?” Lewks asked.

Rep. Sea H. Ag (D – San Francisco) then interrupted Lewks to repeatedly stammer over the word “the.” She finally finished her question on the best place in D.C to meet sailors, which was met by the audible sighs of the testifying service chiefs.

Before Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John M. Richardson could wipe the stunned look off his face, Ag told him “I’m a cougar, John, in case you didn’t notice, John — rawwr.”

The chiefs then appeared to be studying their notes, but they were actually playing sudoku on sheets in their briefing books, except for Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller. 

“He doesn’t know how sudoku works,” says a Marine Corps public affairs office. Neller instead repeatedly snapped a can of Copenhagen under the desk while glaring at Lewks and anyone else who lewks at him for more than a second.

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Space Force already restricted to Earth liberty

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MERRITT ISLAND, Fla. — Military commanders have barred potential Space Force members from engaging in any liberty activities outside of Earth’s atmosphere, sources confirmed today.

The decision came after several hours of deliberation between key military leaders at the Pentagon. Expert testimony on the issues included representatives from the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, Air Force Space Command, and Christopher Nolan, director of “Interstellar” who described outer space as “totally nuts, man.”

“There’s just too many variables right now,” said Gen. Timothy Grey, commanding general of the 1st Battalion, 504th Parachute Infantry Regiment. “Are liberty periods measured in the 4th dimension of spacetime? Are space suits issued gear? What happens if an alien entity lays eggs inside your libo buddy? I don’t even know where the settings in DEERS are for that.”

What was once thought to be just an idea in passing, the Space Force comes closer to reality with the February 19th issuance of the Space Policy Directive-4 that organizes the new unit as a sub component of the Air Force. What it fails to clarify however, are significant details concerning financial bureaucracy, the international consequences of militarizing outer space and whether or not there will be sexy coed showers for soldiers before and after defeating an alien species.

“It’s just important to preempt any liberty issues we may have before any incident arises,” Grey continued. “I know what kind of stuff goes on in space. Trust me. I’ve seen Avatar.”

Spc. Kyle Julliard, a satellite communications systems operator-maintainer with the Army Signal Corps, was disappointed to hear the news.

“I was really looking forward to marrying an alien stripper,” he said. “Where am I going to find a stripper now? Earth? The Marines already married them all!

Not every soldier was as pessimistic about their options. Pfc. Daniel Shaw, an imagery analyst with the 344th Military Intelligence Battalion, was reportedly seen working on a method of turning Mars water into toilet wine.

“They’ll have to lift the libo restrictions eventually,” he said. “And when they do, I’m going to get the first space DUI.”

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Air Force warns border wall could distract from golf course construction

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PENTAGON — Air Force officials are sounding the alarm today about the greatest risk of the Trump administration’s plan to use military construction money to build a border wall — it could keep them from building more golf courses.

The Pentagon operates 194 golf courses with 2,874 holes worldwide, mostly on Air Force bases.

“These are essential the morale of our airmen and really to the whole joint force,” said Jed Myles, director of morale, welfare and recreation policy for the Department of Defense. “It’s not just officers that use them. I’ve seen drunken first sergeants out on the links, too. We’re in the process of expanding our footprint and hope to be up to a 3,000-hole global network in the next two years.”

That expansion plan is at severe risk, other sources say. President Donald Trump has declared a national emergency and is planning to reallocate billions of dollars of defense reconstruction spending to the southern border in order to fund his long-promised border wall. Surprisingly, given the president’s personal interest in golf, much of the money will come from a fund allocated to expanding golf facilities in the Middle East and Europe.

Senior Air Force leaders, who spoke to Duffel Blog on condition of anonymity, are apoplectic.

“We only have nine measly holes in Mosul right now,” said one general officer, complaining about Al Kindi golf course in Mosul. “And they’re all surrounded by sand traps that ISIS left IEDs in. We really need to clear it and expand that course to 18 holes, but it’s at the top of the White House list for cuts.”

The plan to move US troops pulling out of Syria to northern Iraq only increases the need for a large course there, the general added.

A strategic planner from US European Command also expressed deep concern.

“The US government has no, I mean literally zero, golf facilities in Poland right now,” he noted. “The Baltics are even worse. You can barely find civilian courses out there. What the fuck are we doing deterring Russia without golf courses? If the Army wants air cover in the next war, they need to back up the Air Force on this one.”

The White House did not return a request for comment.

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Parents bribe service academies to not accept their children’s applications

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WEST POINT — As a string of high-profile college bribery scandals come to light, the FBI has also uncovered that affluent parents are covertly paying service academy admissions to reject applications coming from their children, sources confirmed today.

“I wouldn’t want my child to suffer through a service academy either,” says chief investigator Gary Burkmire. “But there’s a right way and a wrong way for your kids to get ahead in life, and helping them avoid a subpar education through lies and crime is not the way to do it.”

Parents with children in service academies are outraged.

“So I, a poor single mother, have to watch my son go to West Point while rich parents have the privilege of seeing their kids amount to something in life?” asks Sheila Jones. “The wealthy elite really are evil.”

Burkmire has emphasized that the bribes were done without the knowledge of the children.

“Let’s make sure not to blame the kids here,” he told reporters. “Many of them were bright enough to be able to avoid a military education all on their own, but their parents didn’t have enough faith and made things worse.”

In some instances, the fraud even included paying up to $500,000 for an impostor to show up to the child’s Candidate Fitness Test and fail for them.

The legal repercussions of the scandal fall somewhat on the youth, despite the crimes originating with their parents.

“Unfortunately, regardless of qualifications, all applicants involved in the bribery scandal have been admitted to the service academy of their choice, and must report on the first day of school,” says Burkmire. “I hate to see this kind of thing, but it’s what happens when you mess with the system.”

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After North Pole moves, NORAD assures Eric Trump it can still track Santa

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Department of Defense officials assured Eric Trump that a natural geologic shift of the magnetic North Pole would not jeopardize Santa Claus, his toy workshop, or Trump’s chances of receiving Christmas gifts, sources confirmed today.

Trump expressed concerns about observations that the magnetic north pole is drifting, which he believed could interfere with Santa Claus’s navigation capabilities or prevent the U.S. Northern Command (NORAD) from using its famous “Santa Tracker” to monitor Saint Nick’s’ toy deliveries on Christmas Eve. Either situation, according to Trump, would constitute “probably the biggest national security issue of the entire world. Like, ever.”

Trump’s concern stemmed from recent news reports that the Earth’s magnetic north pole is moving from the Canadian Artic towards Russia at 34 miles per year. Magnetic north normally moves slowly over time due to energy from the planet’s core. The current drift is significantly faster than in the past and requires updates to navigation systems.

With no official role in the White House, Trump leveraged his father’s influence and convened an emergency meeting to review the situation.

Using a model of the Santa’s workshop made from legos, Trump declared that navigation issues for Santa or a gap in NORAD tracking abilities presented a national security crisis “every bit as real as the emergency on our southern border.”

Based on the pole’s drift towards Russia, Trump was particularly concerned that Vladimir Putin is “stealing” magnetic north.

The attending CIA representative stated that the intelligence community has no evidence linking the drift to Putin or any of the “bad guys” that Trump suggested as Putin’s accomplices – Boris Badenov, Natasha Fatale, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Dr. Evil, or the Hamburgler.

“Not a chance sir,” said the CIA representative, “pretty much because they’re all fictional characters.”

Trump replied that he “totally knows” that the Hamburgler is not a real person, saying “that costume is an obvious cover disguise. Duh.”

The staff duty officer at NORAD drew a picture that depicted the drift of magnetic north and placement of NORAD sensors with the words “really big antennas here,” which eventually reassured Trump.

Trump said that he is committed to be “really really super good” in 2019 to give Santa extra incentive for overcoming the magnetic shift.

As the meeting convened, attendees overheard an Air Force representative tell Trump that NORAD “should probably get a couple of billion dollars for sensor improvements, just to be safe.”

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B-52 crew relieved for drawing self portraits

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MINOT AIR FORCE BASE, N.D. — Controversy erupted when a local commander relieved a B-52 crew for creating what could be either penis pictures or crew self portraits, sources confirmed today.

“We found drawings on a B-52 navigation computer of five phallic-shaped objects,” base spokesman Maj. “Needle” Dick Johnson said. “The Air Force policy is clear — cockpits are no places for dick depictions.”

The sky penis, a phallic shaped symbol made using contrails, took off in popularity after a pilot at Naval Air Station Whidbey Island used his aircraft to create the image. The atmospheric art has since been recreated multiple times, although the Air Force has yet to create its own version.

“I’ll admit that we envied the attention that Navy and Marine Corps aviators got for flying in formations that resembled penises,” commander of the accused B-52 crew,” Capt. Rodney “Ramrod” Schwantz, said. “I was absolutely deflated about not being able to maneuver my aircraft in the same way. Those air dorks are big and visible, and we all know that in sky writing, size matters.”

“But we’re getting shafted for no reason,” Schwantz added. “Our missions are long and hard, so we need ways to entertain ourselves. After our navigator took a life drawing class at the learning center, he sketched some pictures on our navigation computer showing us as a crew. It’s art, not a dick pic.”

The base command pushed back at the idea the drawings constituted art.

“Art my ass,” said Maj. Johnson. “Those drawings are obviously penises. They’re multiple shapes and sizes, bulbous on top with round objects underneath resembling testicles.”

The flight crew maintained that the images were merely self-portraits, and the command had misconstrued the drawings.

“The drawings show us preparing for a mission,” Capt. Schawntz said. “We’re wearing our flight helmets, and those ‘round objects’ are our kit bags of equipment. Is it our fault that we all stand tall and straight? Except our weapons officer, Lt. Chubbie, who’s kind of short and wide. We mistook him for a 55-gallon drum once. His call sign isn’t ‘Tuna Can’ for nothing.”

Johnson admitted that the crew may have a point.

“It’s possible that the Air Force is applying its penis picture policy in an indiscriminate, one could say, ‘drunken, manner,'” Johnson said. “We should probably apply it with more skill and dedication and probably with a follow up call the next day, or at least a text.

Regardless, navigator 1st Lt. Ron Chubbie intends to enter the crew portraits/penile depictions in a local amateur aviation art contest.

“The contest judges include Navy and Marine Corps aviators,” Chubbie said. “They’ll definitely appreciate my style.”

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ISIS unfollows STRATCOM on Twitter after offensive New Year’s tweet

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Offutt Air Force Base, Neb. – The terrorist group ISIS has “unfollowed” the U.S. Strategic Command on Twitter after suffering mental anguish by recent STRATCOM messaging, possibly taking information warfare to a new direction, sources confirm today.

The ISIS move is a reaction to a Dec. 31, 2018, STRATCOM tweet that stated as the famed ball dropped on Times Square, the Command remained ready to “drop something much, much bigger.” A video of a B-2 aircraft dropping bombs accompanied the tweet. STRATCOM deleted it after complaints about its aggressive message.

ISIS released the statement criticizing the video.

“In the name of Allah, the most merciful, we will no longer follow the criminal crusader U.S. Strategic Command on Twitter,” the statement reads. “The images STRATCOM tweeted on New Year’s Eve, threatening to drop bombs on our brethren, was hurtful and frightening. Several of our brothers who viewed it have already scheduled emergency sessions with their therapists. The tweet also disturbed our enjoyment of the Ryan Seacrest New Year’s Times Square special.”

STRATCOM questioned ISIS’ response in a press conference.

“Our information warfare team is examining the ISIS announcement for any hidden messages to followers.” public affairs officer Capt. Pamela Vasquez said. “We’re also analyzing the possibility that ISIS is acting like a big international wuss.”

“We constantly tweet splashy pictures of B-1s, B-2s, B-52s, ICBMs, aircraft of all types, heavily armed Airmen, and nuclear submarines –  basically an endless advertisement of our ability to deliver nuclear annihilation at any place of our time and choosing,” Vasquez added. “If those tweets didn’t scare anyone, we weren’t doing our job. So we’re not sure why ISIS or anybody else is butthurt over our one measly New Year’s message.”

“What do people think our bombers do?” Vasquez questioned.“Despite the press stories last year, military aircraft are know for killing people, not just drawing contrail dicks in the sky.”

The STRATCOM Twitter home page indicates that the command still has over 98,000 followers despite the ISIS departure.

“We hope ISIS re-follows us soon, because we’re planning some great imaging for President’s Day depicting George Washington and Abraham Lincoln turning the launch keys on an ICBM that people should really enjoy,”  Vasquez said.

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